merry christmas

kahapon. sa ilalim ng trunk ng kotse nya. may nakitang akong bathroom utilities ng isang motel. tri-place. 2 sets.

deny ulit. inamin nya na they still texts each other. yon lang. naaawa daw siya dahil i cant move on to this kind of set-up. panay tamang hinala na lang.

but he's not helping me either. tama sya. ako lang makakatulong sa sarili ko.

merry christmas! thanks for the gift

xmas party

first xmas party attended nung dec. 8 kasama ang mga taga qcpl.

grabe, ang saya.... ako lang eh. i always sulk, kaya tuloy walang nangyayari sa buhay ko.

book report

Gumawa kahapon ng book report si P. Siya ang nagtype, nagpasok ng information at tinuruan ko ng powerpoint. Nakuha nya. He's really good in computers. Naka USB pa yon.

Cute right.

Si D naman, super sweet. Nakakatuwa, very observant. Sana naman.He is my confidant. I hold on because of them.

Para at least maging normal ang buhay nila kahit masakit sa loob ko.

Ganun talaga.

hinaing ng isang asawa

Marami ng dumaan...

pinuntahan ko ang girl sa work
may communication pa rin sila
pag magkasama sila, the girl rings my phone para iparinig sa akin na magkasama sila.
tapos, pag kakausapin ko ang asawa ko... pinagtatangol pa ang babae niyang SADISTA.
kahit ginaganon ako ng babae niya, sige pa rin sila.
kung murahin at laitin ka, ganun ganun na lang.

wala na akong magagawa, suko na talaga ako
para sa mga bata na lang

Gotcha!

I told D that somebody texted me and saw them at the MRT station.

Know the reaction? Huli...and the alibi... "nagkita lang kami sa MRT. My conscience is clear."

Ok. Nicely said. That is where he is good at... being consistent in his denials.

Depression.

It's killing me slowly.
I hope to kill it first.

I have to.

Vanity.

AFter a three month advanced schedule, I finally got my warts removal session with Dr. Baello. Grabe... ang dami ko palang warts tapos maliliit lang.

Ang sakit after... but got to do it, kesa naman later on, my face will be covered by warts.

The vain! I'm beginning to love myself. Ako lang ang magmamahal sa sarili ko.

Fire.

P woke me up 5:30 in the morning. He said, "wala kaming pasok kasi nasunog ang office mo." OMG, I was frantic and called the guards. At least di nanggaling sa office ko at sa faculty room lang. Pero, hallway lang ang pagitan ng library at faculty room.

Kaya ayun... affected ang library kaya maglilimas kami.

Nothing new.

I saw a computer print-out ng Chiquito sa kotse. Scratch paper galing sa office ni C. As usual, nagexplain. Nagkita lang daw sila. Nanghingi ng tulong na paprint at nagkita ulit para kunin ang print-out. Tapos, umuwi ng alas 3 ng madaling araw?

How do you suppose to believe that?

Stupid. They should have been careful.

Tapos friday, tumatawag pa si C sa phone nya.

I think, I should just get the hang of it.

Oh life.

it's been a while

August was a hectic schedule. My parents arrived, I enrolled in a gym (with my friend R), saw a toothpaste sachet from D's car (which I think is new), P had his neuro psychological exam, my kids join the sunday baptist school at KNL and recently, my boy's PSP was stolen in Quiapo.

One thing, I was able to chat with my friend L, who is based in the States. I discovered chat room where you can chat with different people from different nationality. But, I have to be careful with this one.

I limit my cellphone and email checking. If for C's sake and sanity na lang. I even removed D's contact in my email so if and when D's name is online. I wont see it anymore.

D's friends also commented how slim I am. Everybody notice it by the way.

Oh, time flies so fast...

I miss my mom.

healing

I am trying to heal myself...slowly but surely.

With His guidance.

Thank you.

body shaping

Last saturday, together with my friend R, we enrolled in a gym.

We need to perspire and release our toxins in the body. It felt good. I can sleep well and release my stresses.

By the way, I am eating like a pig again :)

my answered prayer

My prayers are slowly being answered.

I changed everything, but still she managed to hack. I changed D's email password without telling him...suddenly he's messenger is on online again. I did not buzz for I know, I will definitely feeling bad about myself again. Mahirap pumatol sa isang PRO.

Nangiinis? She cannot move on. She really loves D.

I was praying for a sign that will give me something if D is still communicating with C or he is telling the truth.

He might be telling the truth. So, I should stop.

bawal

A married friend who is desperate for affection, company, conversation, etc. etc. is having an affair with a married man.

I cannot blame her for marrying a guy who lacks mental maturity, who swallows his pride and has no financial responsibility because he really cannot afford it. Knowing his state of educational qualifications and the way he was raised, it was her who takes charge.

But, this thing that gives her sanity is wrong. She justifies her wrong doings and she's happy. I have never seen her this happy.

Oh well, I always warn her and she's not my responsibility.

with my friends

Lately, when I have my drinking sprees with my friends, he wants to tag along. There was a time when he got mad at me because I do not want him to go with us.

During the session, he blurted out that he is happy that I do not bother to check on him anymore. I do not know if that statement is good or bad. Good, because you are trusting me again or bad...I can continue my escapades without you pestering me.

In this trial, I was able to know myself more and learn things to improve myself more.

my fate

I am trying to accept things the way they are! Whether good or bad.

Later on, I will have a life of my own.

happy????!!!!

I have a stable state of mind since last week. I can feel that there are changes and my man is true to his words... or I just feel... what the heck! Stop punishing myself and I might get cancer.

Be happy!There are worst things than infidelity. That is according to Hillary Clinton. hehehe

school status

P's sped teacher called because they do not have classes. I ask how P is in school. Beautiful music rang into my ears. P is very participative in class, he has a lot of friends alreay...etc.etc. My son can easily adjust just do not bang on his weakness and his symtoms will all burst out. hehehe

father's day

D is not keen on celebrating special occasions. So, to break the pattern. I gave him a gift for the event. I gave him a shades that he looked at when we were in TriNoma. He held it for 30 seconds then put it back in the rack.

The next day... I went back to the store and bought it one week before father's day.

For the first time, there was no tension in gift giving because he liked what I gave him.

It's a man's world.

from Bill Gates

He said.. Life is unfair. Get used to it.
Nobody cares about your self-esteem.

So move on Pau.... it is only you who can make a difference.

NOBODY CARES!

sulitxt

I checked on his sulitext balance versus the number of items in the sent message folder. It was not compatible. Meaning, there were erased messages sent to the same subscriber.

Huli but again.... he's my denial king.

Why can't people be honest and man enough to admit his wrongdoings?

I was asking for his explanations. Wala na daw sila. PERIOD!

I doubt it. Or I am just paranoid.

m said

Don't let a man ruin your life.

SWAK!

suicidal

I hate to entertain this thought. But when I am heavily depress and my hormones are giddy giddy yak yak yak... it is my constant companion. My nerves in my brain are sending messages that makes me more vulnerable and lonely. But... I have to fight this evil dominion. I have to live for my kids. I am their savior to be able to live happily in this cruel world.

But suicidal thoughts are like gums that the more you read or learn that someone committed suicide, it give you a certain appreciation or high that you can also do it. It is a chain reaction... if she can, i can also do it... she also has kids. But at least, when sanity comes into me. I still think of my boys specially P who has ADHD.

I am in a constant battle, I hope I will win in this war.

nice meeting you!

I met her. The other or should I say the past girl in my man's life. That's what D said. We were passing by the court when I saw D's car park near the place where C's friends stay. I asked A if D was there. I entered and saw her. I just said, I finally meet you. Hindi ako manggugulo. I was calm but when I saw D, siya ang pinaglabasan ko ng hinala ko.

Now, there are really some people who are proud of the actions that they make. Whether good or bad. It's a different world nowadays.

Siguro, this phase will end all my sufferings and change my attitude in this kind of problem.

impulsiveness

I hate myself, me and my impulsive attitude. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt and not rely on my I-don't-trust-you-anymore-attitude.

Think first before doing something that will hurt you more.

Next time, create a strategy, think ...don't be impulsive.

my son has adhd

Last year, my son who was 10 was diagnosed to have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. His teachers told me, he cannot sit longer in his chair, always asking to go out and stands up in class go near the window. He has attention problem.I know my son has a problem, but I was in denial of everything, hoping he will cope and it was just a stage in his life.

I was wrong. When D, his younger brother started to talk and bully him, his behavior changed. He always cries when bullied, cannot afford to share his stuff and does not have a mature attitude of a 10 year old kid. He fights with his younger brother.

Then I transferred him to a mainstreamed school. His academics and comprehension slowed down. My son is two years delayed in math and comprehension. For this school-year, he needs to have a sped program. I am sending a grade 4 student to a staggering amount which is equivalent to a college student who is taking up a nursing course, a little more expensive to that effect.

Sometimes, as somebody said, the cost is more expensive that the benefit.

That's my son but still, I love him more than everything.

si O

O has been my friend since high school. I was part of her tryst, a rebellious daughter and a good friend, we hit it off. We became closer when she married someone who lives in the same street where I live.

She is my constant drinking buddy. A 3-stick a day smoker and a loving mom to her three kids. It's nice to have friends who are good mothers.

We always exchange stories about our lives, being a mom, a battered wife, having a sick daughter and a lumpen spouse. She also have her stolen moments and I condemn them but what can I do, she does it for her sanity.

I have known her to be a strong-willed woman. She brings home most of the bacon and she does everything for the sake of her kids. Her spouse... he hits her when he's drunk and mad. A truly blue paranoid and asshole. She told me, she just accepts her life's misfortunes and move on. She cannot leave the house because they live with her husband's relatives and it will be inconvenient for her kids if they move out.

Pero kahit ganoon ang mundo niya. Malakas pa rin ang loob niya para mabuhay para sa mga anak niya. Maganda pa rin ang disposition niya. I really envy her, sometimes, I get my strength from her.

Kaya when this girl texts me... I come to her just to share some small talks and get rid of some crappy tension out of our system.

Draw the line sister.

enrollment, fees, etc

I went to P's school to pay for his tuition fee and talked to his teacher. I didn't know that P will have a separate payment for his sped program. DI KO ALAM. OMG. I was teary eyed when I talked to the principal because they are requiring me to have a shadow teacher and pay the sped program. Thank God, sped program na lang daw ang babayaran ko.

Bahala na. Hopefully, everything will be well.

My son is giving me this strength. Loose some crappy stuff and move on. I do not have to think of other situations in life that will hinder the development of my son. I have to stay focus. Tama na siguro ang kakaisip. Bahala na sila sa buhay nila.

Mother's Day

It was mother's day. P was the first one to greet me. I taught D how to say it to me and gave them a thousand kisses and i love yous. From my not so other half, wala lang. No feeling.

There was no plan to celebrate the day. In the afternoon, I decided, we will go to Trinoma just to hang around because P has been begging me for months to go there. It was abrupt.

I need to change the pattern. D is not bend on celebrating simple occasions. If I did not practice it, the wives of my kids will definitely die with anger because of being insensitive and not appreciative of their needs. I taught my kids of the occasion,why we are celebrating and how much they should love their mother and later on the mother of their kids. I'm talking to an 11 and 5 years old here.

D does not want to go because he doesn't like the venue. I want to go to Trinoma because that is the place where my kids wanna go. Should I adjust to his needs? Never, I will celebrate with my kids not with him. We left.

While we were at the jeep, he texted me... susunod ako. My kids were so happy to see him and we had dinner at the mall. Later, I texted him...alam mo, mula ng naging syota mo si C, naging matigas ang puso mo sa akin. Natuto kang magsinungaling at mangloko. Di ka naman dati ganyan. Pero wala akong magagawa, yang ang buhay na pinili mo.

See how a beautiful and young woman can make someone ugly.

new school

I was freaking out since last week. It was already May and as of yesterday, I havent received a confirmation from P's new school.

Finally, I got it in the afternoon. I hope this time, it will be comfortable for all of us.

My prayers are always answered.

choice

I have a choice and it's all up to me.

evidence

I'm still paranoid. D told me, he said and they were no longer together. But... I still doubt it, I still do. There's no solid evidence that they are no longer an item. He still has not activated his log.

He still goes home late and he tells me his whereabouts. I do not know, it's hard to bring back the trust. But I pray diligently to God to let me feel that D is honest and sincere to me.

I do not know if I still love D or is this the feeling of a woman scorned. I am trying to move on peacefully, accept my fate and forgive. But, I still have my intuition that they are still communicating.

I know, God will give my something.

leaving too

At last, I fully decided to seek greener pastures. Not here, abroad. US needs librarians, and I think I am ready to work for them. It's not just money, security, etc. etc. I need something that will give my kids opportunity and see the world and I will do this for P. There will be a lot of opportunities for people with ADHD in the US.

I'm tired of always being broke, if you are broke here, you will die broke. In the US, you need to break bones, at least you can live a decent life, with good food and clean water to drink. Here.... ah. Actually, we are still lucky. We both have our jobs eventhough, he earns good money, but me... I just get the basics and miscellaneous, but I also have plans and wants for my kids that he cannot provide.

So, I'll go first, kids will come next and he stays.

liar 100x more

Once a liar, always a liar.

I gave him his password to his yahoo mail and messenger because somebody's prying. Then he told me, as of now, he does not know his password.

After a week, I checked on his mail, she's reading it again.

Once a liar, always a liar.

to work it out

Learn to forgive and accept things the way they are.

Then, move on.

This is our last chance and it is all up to ME.

NOW I HAVE A CHOICE. I JUST HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT.

So help me God!

my song

On being a woman, wife and a mother.

This is my song.

"She's Always A Woman"

BILLY JOEL

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child but she's always a woman to me.

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she'll never believe it
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yes she steals like a thief, but she's always a woman to me.

Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in
She just changes her mind.

And she'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me.

Hmm, hmm, hmmm.

Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in
She just changes her mind.

She is frequently kind, and she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you but
She's always a woman to me.

Hmm, hmm, hmmm.

online harassment 2

I was able to change D's password on his email but not to his messenger. Last saturday, I checked on D's messenger. OMG, their picture is pasted in the display profile. Very young, beautiful, gorgeous but a real bitch.

They looked happy at bagay sila. Bagay na bagay pati attitudes. Hehehe

I felt bad, insecure and down but later on... what the heck.

I really do not care... honest.

center for family ministries

I went to CFAM last saturday for a counselling. I was enlightened. I was relieved.

Everything will all depend on ME!

In the afternoon, I went to mass. The words keep ringing in my ears... "leave it all to God and he will be the judge."

I'm going for the road.

health concerns

D's back has been aching since coming home from Boracay. I urged him to have a urinalysis.

I got the results today, he has blood in his urine... meaning, there is an obstruction. He might have kidney stones. He has to undergo a series of tests and ultrasound. Thank God, he has a health card. Good for us.

I was praying that D should experience something that will lessen his immoral activities. I do not know if this is my answered prayers. Will his communication with the girl stops even if he is sick. That I do not know.

But... I'm smiling. God is good.

online insult

I received an email from the fanbox with questions thing in it, "Will you accept someone who has cheated on you?" It came from doregidorbabyko's fanbox.

It's what you call online harassment. Prying with D's email, messenger and friendster. She's really that serious hah!

Sorry for C, her man didn't stand for her.

finders keepers

I brought D with me to the office. Departure time, he went to the ATM machine. Then, D saw a P500 bill. Touched it, put it back and did not leave the area.

An officemate said, finders keepers.

I have been dying to buy him a new set of sandals for summer. Now, D has a new sandals.

kiss ass!

So, being in the Philippines and the savior of marriage, just for the sake of my children, not mine included.

I will definitely kiss my own ass for this!

Bullshit! I hate the feeling.

loosing end

We talked over the phone, wala.

My decision, I will stick to him until he dispatches the girl which is asap. I don't know when is asap, maybe next month, six months, 2 years and never.

It's against my will and power. But, what can I do? Kaya ko pang magtiis, titiisin ko pa para sa mga anak ko. Sabi niya, yon daw ang dapat gawin dahil yon ang dapat.

Pero, this will not be forever.

I assure you that!

loosing him

I am loosing him because I cannot control everything. I am miserable, always demanding, nagging, violent and problematic and to think that there's C, who gives him tender loving care and understanding.

I cannot compete.

pried!

I pry again. I can't help it.

We went to Martee's bday last saturday held at Galleria. I was stoic, not mingling with his relatives. I might have gathered impressions already but what the heck, I was trying to stop from talking because I might be liable again of being a "know-it-all-person." As what D, always implies to me.

Olive called me, we had our drinking session. Im beginning to be an alcoholic. Then, Jimmy,Olive, Obet and me went to Sarah's because beer was out-of-stock in the nearby stores.

D arrived at 2:00 am, his cellphone was dead bat. I checked on his phone. They are texting again. After D told me that he stopped texting her. C was in village A, she's getting near him. He dropped by when C arrived and left. But, C was telling him to come back, even calling him on the phone in the wee hours of the morning.

I was violent again, hitting him, slapping him, throwing things, etc. D woke up. He saw our frights and almost wept. D wept, he was so sorry for his son seeing us in that state of violence. I was kicked, slapped in the face using his slippers, hit on the head.

I felt I was betrayed. He promised he will stop seeing her and he told me that they don't text anymore. Lies....

God, do I deserve this? Probably yes, because I was the first to hit him. But no, I felt I am betrayed agaid.

We passified in the afternoon, but dinner time, I cannot control my emotions anymore. The cheating came to my mind again and again. If you are not in a relationship anymore, why see her again? I was nagging him when he was eating, I didn't stop when he told me to stop. He threw his plate with food in it. He was so mad, he said, "I don't deserve this treatment."

What about me? Do I deserve to be cheated on and wait until he realized his mistakes? This has been repeated.

But, I know I also need to change my outlook and my principles if I really want to keep my family.

I'm soooooo miserable.

By the way, the plate costs P500.

draining myself

Hindi ko na yata kaya!

st

I was with my friends yesterday, Ruth, Rhea and Monet. It was a small talk because Monet will be staying in Boracay to be with her partner and work there as a preschool teacher. I hope she survives because Monet has this "I cant stand this" attitude thing.

Ruth just went to Camiguin for an R&R. Lucky for her, she's single and uhum... rich. Buti pa siya.

Rhea, is a dear and confidant friend. My other half and always there to comfort me when I am sad.

They gave me good advises on my marriage, D and God. As they say, for D, silent treatment is the best for him. Just continue to be good and I will be blessed. I have to stand and keep my dignity because I have done nothing wrong.

Prayers make wonders. Slowly but surely.

For my sanity.

bday boy

After a long trip from Manila, Pampanga and Zambales, scouting for a venue for the Staff Development Program for the office, I came home early and we were able to celebrate his birthday peacefully.

We ate at Greenwich with the kids, the pizza was bland, what the heck, the kids loved them. Then, we went to Trellis for our drinking spree. Together without the kids.

It was a talk of understanding his mistakes and justifying his act as part or stage of a man's life. Macho! He kept repeating and repeating that it's only a stage and I should understand his actions and eventually it will pass. Just don't make patol. Later on, it will die in the natural way. He told me, give me end of March to end the relationship.

Siya na nga may kasalanan, ako pa ang magaadjust. Nagwoworry rin siya sa mararamdaman ng girl, pero sa akin, hindi.

Selfish ano!

accept

Will C accept D's break-up? Or will there be a break-up at all? What if she became hysterical and a cry-baby and tell him, I will be your girlfriend forever.

Hugh!!! There's a possibility. I don't care anymore.

I don't know. I stopped checking on his phone for three days already.

God bless them.

he's back

D went home thursday evening. As usual, drunk. He told me, his life is getting miserable. He wants to keep his family and it all depends on me. Nung gabi, I hit him on the head with his cellphone because I saw C's code name in his bluetooth. Bad trip na naman ako.

Nung madaling araw, I cannot sleep, crying and depressed. Then he talked, I talked. I do not know, he promised he will leave the girl within this month. He fell in love with the her because she was there when I drove him away. She was her companion and a shoulder to hold on. She's just waiting, I know.

There was no acceptance yet. We were still weighting things. I was miserable when he is in the house. I feel longing and attach, I dont want to be like that. But, when he's home, I began to demand and be praning again.

We still talk, blaming each other, how to solve the family, our crisis and so on and so forth. He was in the house, friday.

We went to Real Quezon last saturday and my boys enjoyed the beach.

Friday evening, he started to bring back his stuff. Was I relieved? Yes/No, I was in pain of losing him and at the same time, I dont want him to betray me again.

I'm still paranoid and I want to change my outlook in life. Siguro for my kids.

He has his principles, I have mine. Two different minds in one. I don't know how can I hang on. It's not my call, it's his call always because he's the man and I am the mother of his kids.

I have to be strong.... I guess!!!

si Mr. Bodybuilder

I like R's body. A real macho man. Actually, he's my crush and he makes me kilig. He was in the library this morning for the card checking. He borrowed things from me.
R joins D's drinking sprees at VA every saturday.

R told me, he doesn't hang out with them lately. Then there's this article, "how to handle toxic friends", he told me to read it again and again. He even told me, "go check your computer," para mawala stress mo.

Looks like he doesn't know anything yet. At least, he's not only macho... concern pa.

Kinikilig tuloy ako. hehehe

cp

Got myself a new phone last saturday.

Nokia 6300. A gift for myself. The bad thing is I texted him, wanting to go back.

Next time, texting will be used for the kid's concern.

Ang sarap pala ng feeling ng my bagong cellphone.

normal

He went to the house monday 4 am to bring his laundry. He stayed until morning, took his breakfast, went back to his mother's house to dress up and hinatid kami.

Last night, he brought Darell home, ate his dinner and again slept in the house. We were talking... he's mad at me dahil pinalayas ko daw siya. Pinalayas ko siya dahil sa paulit ulit na pambabae niya with the same girl. Normal at stage daw yon. He will definitely change.... when? Magtiis lang ako? No way.... ginagago ka na, iintindihin mo pa rin.

I told him, you can come back kung maiiwan mo ang girl. Mahirap daw, he can't resist. Babalik daw siya and then, ganoon ulit. He needs space. Ok, I told him. Go back if you are ready at matino ka na...kung may babalikan ka pa.

My God, he's really a male chauvinist pig.

iba ka eh!

Kaninang umaga, nagtetext kami. I want him back, pero may kundisyon iwan niya ang babae niya. I was clinging to him pero nung nababasa ko na ang mga texts niya. To hell... wala na akong aasahan sa iyo.

Kanina, dumaan. Dito siya nagdinner. Lasing.Kinakausap si Darell. The boys seemed jubilant. Pero, pinukpok ako. Ako pa may kasalanan. Pati daw ang drawer na may personal na gamit nya, dinala mo doon. Wala daw siyang babae at kabit. Pinagtabuyan ko daw siya kaya ituloy tuloy na namin. Nilayo ko ang sarili ko sa kanya.

Iba daw ako, kasi si Piper, buong UP alam na may kabit ang asawa niya, pero tinanggap niya. Paano, wala siyang choice. She's a plain housewife. Tapos, sabi, ikaw, walang lalaking tatagal sa iyo. Titikman ka lang dahil sa ugali at prinsipyo ko. Aba....aba...., hindi ko na pinagstay, pinaalis ko na.

After, I became stronger... wala ng iyak iyak.

They just do not know the pain and treatment that I got from D pag nahuhuli ko siya.

Whew....

his call

His brother, N said to ate Glo, it should be his call. Even if the girl keeps pestering and showing her endearing and enduring love for him, he should be the one to avoid because he is already married.

He kept on saying to me before, relax ka lang. Kayo priority ko.

Macho.

Sorry, matagal na ito. Di ko kayang magtiis.

I'm still in pain, but I know, this will not last.

solid sign

My friend Rhea told me to pray for a solid evidence to determine if my husband is still having an affair. I prayed.

God is good!

Last tuesday evening, I saw his car at ate Glo's house. Relieved, because no calls where made to inform me, hey, I'm here.

1:00 in the morning, Wednesday. Someone was knocking, it's Caloy, a private security personnel in UP informing me that D's car stopped in the middle of the street. Sa kalasingan, maybe he thought, nasa bahay na siya. But I was wondering, if he came from ate Glo's house, he should be coming from the left side of the street, not coming from Fine Arts.

Okey, so, he was so warak sa kalasingan. I told him, I will drive the car back to the house. When he transferred to the passenger seat, I saw a cellphone and immediately, put it in my pocket. When seated, kinapa niya ang pocket niya as if looking for something, nawala ang kalasingan. Sabi ko, saan ka galing? Kay Glo, bday ni Fermin, lumabas pa kami.

Lies.....

He told me he will get something from the car and pumasok na daw ako. I went to the comfort room and check on the cellphone. Doon pala sila nagtetext. Got you. My solid evidence. Papasok siya sa bahay, hinampas ko sa kanya ang cellphone, I was so violent and screaming to death. Galit na galit ako. Nabugbog ko siya, nasipa ko pa sa mukha.

J, my younger brother entered the house at siya ang nagpigil sa akin. Galit na galit ako. I send his stuff at ate Glo's house ng 2:00 in the morning. I need to cry, I need to release my pain and emotions.

So, I went to Ernie, a friend of D who is currently on duty sa may UP. Doon ako umiyak ng umiyak. I was howling like a cow and after that I felt good. Di ako, nakatulog, 5:00 am, I dialed Rhea's number. Thank God at gising na siya. We were both crying because she knows, I will be relieved from all my pains and feelings.

Then, I went to ate Glo to give D's other stuff. As of kanina, he went to the house to get his other stuff. As usual, galit pa. Yung nga lang, alam daw ng buong mundo.

That's the risk you have to take. I was still hoping na, baka magbago pa siya at magkaroon ng humility. Nah....

I won't pray to God anymore for him to realize his mistakes and come back to me.

Ayoko na....

assessment

P had his assessment with his developmental pedia. I had mixed emotions.
Sad, relieved, happy, wondering and proactive.

P does not have a bad case of adhd, he has attention problems but definitely not that serious. It's more on slight mental retardation and learning delays. We still have to check on the results of the psychological test then the doctor will give the necessary recommendations and accommodations of the school.

I'm planning to transfer P to a school that is adhd friendly, not so academic minded and will take care of my precious and special baby.

At the same time, I will be thinking for his future...saving and providing financial assistance and insurance for his needs when he gets older.

I am a mother and nothing can beat me when it comes to my own children... whatever state of mind I am in right now.

Oh, P...

passed by

Jeff, an alumnus of Batch 1998 went to the Registrar's Office to get his transcript and diploma. He was at the photocopying machine when I saw him. He was staring at me, but I did not greet him because I thought he was one of our nerdy looking teachers in Chemistry.

He saw and approached me, I immediately remembered him but definitely not his name. I'm not good at it.

Yeah, I remembered, he was the student who will always go to my room and rants and raves about rules, policies, etc. A professional complainer. I was asking questions and how at a very young age, he has a career already. Truly, a pisay scholar.

It's good that this student do not forget to look back and remember someone during his high school days.

Before he left, he said.. "my friendster ka ba? para madagdagan friends ko!"

I think I should I have? Nah.....

Way to go Jeff!

scorn again

Last Saturday, I called his office to ask him where he was. The man who answered the phone said, "umalis na Ma'am, nasalubong ko sa gate." Then I texted him. He was at PLC's house, he replied. I called the office if D was indeed in his' boss house. Wala daw, walang nakapark na kotse. The house is five houses away doon sa ginagawa niyang bahay. Pero, sa text, sabi niya sa kabila. Sabi sa office, 3 houses away. Iginigiit niya. Kabila. Pero pag kausap niya ako... tapat lang ng bahay ni E.

Lies, lies, lies.

He did not go to village A for their session agad. He went there past 9. So, sinong kasama niya? Then, the number that I saw in his phone, two weeks ago na dati ko ng tinetext, biglang sumagot nung saturday ng gabi. Kasi, i also forwarded my messages kay D in that number. Sumagot.... for God's sake, tigilan mo ako. Tapos, nung bandang late na.... Watch your words at... if you really hate the person, be ready with the risks and consequences.

Yesterday, I cannot sleep. I was crying and miserable. I kept on pestering him. Then, umamin din...pero wala daw masama sa ginagawa niya.

What a man!!!!

draw the line!

I have butterflies in my stomach.

There is this feeling that I know, this whole thing of separation is for good. He's been going home late for two days already. No talk, but with civil treatments.

Part of me says, let him go but half of it says let him stay. I do not know, I believe on what I feel and I am fully hurt on what I heard and the text messages that I saw with an unregistered number. Until now, that number has not replied and I assumed that it's her again and the lies. The trust is gone and it hurts me to death.

I still remind or bully him if he has found a room or condo.

But I know, I have to draw the line.


Help me Lord!

separation blues

Everytime we have problems, I always tell him to leave the house. Honestly, I really want him to leave. I want a separation but he just doesn't leave. I dreaded the time that he will definitely leave, but I know, I can handle it. I wish that the time will come where he will leave us for good hindi puro practise na lang.

We have different principles. Hindi magkatugma. I think, I am too idealist and want our realtionship in a compromise manner but he is just a male chauvinist pig.

Oh life! When will I get a guy that I can really call a MAN?

Soon! LOL

That's the spirit. GO!!!

going back

This afternoon, we will be sending off my mama back to her homebase. It was a busy and expensive 3-week stay.

I asked her,"do you want to go back? It's more of an obligation not a want." My mom just smiled.

My mom has a strong-willed personality, even if her life has ups and downs. She still have an aura of something good will come out of if.

I wish I have her dignified glory.

looks like

Last wednesday, I called him on his cellphone, out of sheer desperation. The first call was answered, I heard voices, his and a girl. The voice sounds familiar. Then, last saturday, there is a number with messages, i will be there in 20 minutes. Then, he came home at 3:00 am.

I have been tracing and texting that number. To date, no response. Nada...

I have a strong feeling na sila ulit.

God, please help me.

denials + realizations

I finally accepted the fact that I have a special son. I was still in the state of denial. ADHD is different from autism. Yeah, different signs and symptoms, different approaches, one is milder than the other, still, your still lucky from the others.

They are special kids that needs special kind of treatment and attention.

As D said, his greatest disappointment is P, but he has his ups and downs. But I know, P will be unique.

I love you P.

my mom's here!

She's back. She feels displaced and she looks good. Imagine, five years away from the land of your own.

I know, she's very happy after all the gatherings.

We are very glad and see her again.

utter desperation

Ang lupit mo! "sigh"

it's V day!

I don't usually celebrate Valentine's Day. I find it corny, commercialized and Western. I don't usually greet my friends on this day.

But now, there's a twist of faith. Show love in all forms and ways. No matter in what state of mind you are in. When you love, everything is beautiful.

Cheers and let's all be happy!

For this day, I'll post an article from Bo Sanchez.


DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?
By: Bo Sanchez

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said,

"How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind. Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking,
"Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm
not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

The Key To Succeeding in
Marriage Is Not Finding The Right
Person; It's Learning To Love The
Person You found!

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER
just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy and most importantly, it takes WISDOM.. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you
can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are
also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision".. . not just a feeling.

si Tito B

I saw B, the uncle of C and D's former friend. They went haywire because si D, pinatos yung pamangkin ni B na si C. WTF!

B was talking to A who was making a fuss on his new second hand car. When he saw our car, I stared at him flatly. Know what, he cannot look straight in my eyes.

Guilty!!!

peace man!

Why does it is hard for me to accept and forgive?

I hope it will be soon!
I know, I can.

special problem

I'm almost done with my data gathering stage. One school to go. Now, I'm getting stress and irritable. I will be presenting my data and i think it will cost me sleepless nights and nightmares due to writing. I'm having palpitations, an irregular beating of my heart. OMG!!!

I told D, "Please, I'm working on my paper. No distractions and stressful environment. I need to concentrate." Ewan lang.....

yaya

My yaya of one year left last january 31. She's ok except that she's layas. Kung saan saan dinadala ang anak ko. Now, I have a replacement. A 31-year old with 6 kids who left their province because she had a spat with her husband. Fine, feeling ko, di tatagal ito. But she's fine. Sumusunod lang.

Me, I can't live without a maid. But, if I don't have a choice, I have to do all the stuff in the house, but definitely, super stress na ako noon. Kainis ano? Kaya me, I love my yaya. I treat them well.

accident prone

P was in the bed when I arrived at 7:00 pm last friday. He fell off from his bike. He was in pain. He had bruises in the head, shoulders, arms, etc. He's head was aching. Oh my God, i was praning again. I gave him a pain reliever but his headache made him lie on his bed. I told D to bring P to the hospital. He was adamant, he told me, it's just normal.
Nasemplang eh.

I checked P regularly during the night. D did the same thing in the morning, he checked on P. If his headache persists, i'll bring him to the doctor. But thank God, it stopped and he looked okey now except for his big black eye.

From now on, he is no longer allowed to ride his bike.
He told me, "he has black eyed peas."

P, my adhd kid

For the past months, I have been busy blogging about my miserable spouse and life. I'm slowly going back to my own circle. Hopefully, I can fully recover and move on.

P is my eldest son. he was a shaken and battered infant. he was also a colic and cry baby. I cannot handle his late night cries. It made me more depress and sometimes hard to P. Post-natal depression lead me into it and also, my spouse was still having gimmicks during those times that he sometimes left me alone in taking care of my baby.

I was a young and an irresponsible mother. I still have my guilts regarding the things that i did to P. It's not always black and blue naman. Poor baby. It always comes back. Now, I'm paying back the things that I did to him.

His condition stresses me a lot. Grabe, walang usapang matino pag pinagsasabihan mo. Laging galit at pasigaw. Nakakapagod. But I know, P is a good and polite boy. He just cannot control his brain when his angst starts to attack. His attitude and behavior are killing me when he is provoke. Pati mga bayarin. Gusto kong ipatutor pero ayaw ni D at kulang ang pera ko sa theraphy pa lang.

Napapagod na akong walang pera. Gusto ko ng maraming pera para maibigay ko lahat ng treatment para sa anak ko. I have to do it. Feeling ko ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit siya may ADHD. I told the his development doctor about it. Hindi naman daw reason yon.

Oh life....

my mama

my mama will be home in a month's time. it's been five years since she left the country for the land of milk and honey. she was petitioned by our eldest brother, the navy man.

she left her retirement pay here. my sister P manages her finances. she provides the daily allowances of a maid (who has been a part of the family ever since), a single brother (who has SSS pension but super duper kunat), and two sons (one has work and the other has no permanent work but with a family of his own). galing ano???!!!!

my mom is a generous person, when she got her retirement pay, relatives of my father came to borrow money, asked for 8 electric fans as donations to the church. some even asked for an amount of money for medications, etc.

as a prayerful person, she sends a seminarian to school. she has a quarterly pledge to a religious organizations who tend to make some people make their religous comeback.

when she asks us what we want, we give in. as my sister M says, yung iba nga hingi ng hingi kayo pa?

all she does these at the age of 68 because as she said, maraming umaasa sa kanya.
or i can't blame her, pinaasa niya rin.

that's part of the Filipino culture , if you have relatives abroad, they know, you can ask money from them and some relatives give in to their requests. what they don't know is... money is hard in the US. you have to give your best shot and work hard for it.

kaya nga i told them, kung saan siya maligaya doon siya. pera naman niya yoon eh and i love my mama!

employment crisis

D is torn between two lovers.... este employers. his former boss wants him back with offers he cannot turn down. then D gave them a 2 week leave to test the water with his new Japanese employer.

today he has a meeting with his former employer. if the agreement turns out okey, he will go back leaving the poor japanese with no choice because he plans to make it an absence without leave. bad move.... exit gracefully honey.

if i were him, i'll stay with his current employer. why? because this is an international company and it will give him qualifications that will add up to his resume. whereas, the technological innovations that this company will give him are great opportunities if he plans to work abroad. i know.... he loves it here!

for me, it's not just money but how it help in your career path.... well, he's not me. as he goes on saying... i'm a feminist lass.

sometimes, i don't know if i will blame or thank UP for giving me principles and a mind of my own.

Bob Garon

i'm reading Bob Garon's articles in the Manila Times. it's good. it gives me peace of mind and helps me in my healing process.

it's still a process. i hope....

movie marathon

it was raining the whole day last saturday. nothing to do... they watch some movies. i introduced D to the movies of Matt Damon. he was impressed with the Bourne series. i watched those movies then i was in the States from the movie collection of my brother.

he was craving for more... now, i found a way to let him stay at home :-)

asa pa you!

a housewife material

D was raised in a traditional family setup wherein the women in their house accepts and swallows what is there and what is given.

he wants me to be a housewife material, not literally but something that has to do with just accepting life's mysteries and wonders.

i'm not like that and i cannot be like that.

kahit niloloko ka na tatahimik ka na lang?

it's hard to swallow what you believe in but i have to do it. just to give my kids a good life at sa ikakatahimik ng lahat.

DAMN IF YOU DO, DAMN IF YOU DON'T.

life sucks....

erratic behavior

i hate myself. why can't i adjust to the situation.

grabe....

i know, i can only achieve peace through myself.

move on...

i told myself this morning:

i will sacrifice my pride and belief for my kids

be insensitive and have a no pakialam attitude on his wrongdoings

have a life and be good

do what is right and live with dignity

be positive

less talk.

but i know, this will not be forever.

over reaction??

D came home late on a saturday evening. when i opened the door he was upbeat, kissed me and told me let's go out and have a drink. i was tired and already sleepy. so i said, let's just sleep. i was holding his cellphone when i heard a tone.

he tried to grab it. we were rolling over the bed because he wanted to get his phone. but he stopped and i read the message. it was C. i was fuming mad again. he told me, that's why i want us to go out because i want to tell you that she texted me.

and he replied...... damn you. stop the communication please if you are sincere.

then, i told him, let's go. let's talk. nada.... be kept on cursing me again.

i called H on the phone and told him what time D left on their inuman, the time he arrived and everything. then i called C, stupid girl, a real whore. she really knows how to fight her battles and ang galing mangasar. sanay na kabit at mangaway ng asawa.

i was caught offguard. i left the house and tried to find her. i called her again and bombed her. then, D called cursing me again and told me he left the house at magkita na lang kami sa korte.

but, during our conversation. C knew that D and i signed a contract of agreement on our separation which was suppose to happen last december. she knew. so they have been communicating.

i texted his friends so they will know. i don't know, that's my style but i know, i won't gain anything from it.

i also told ate glo because D was there and they were curious again.

i was depress. i was crying again. i don't know....

oh well, i lost the battle but i know someday, i will win.

a text away

D received a text from C, asking him to go to their place of drinking while celebrating xmas. he received at least 5 messages.

he did not reply, he didn't even go there. is that a good sign or he just coundn't come because he broke his teeth on christmas eve? LoL

i replied... merry christmas! polet here!

she was sorry and promised never to bother again. now's she's back. oh well, young girls gone bad. promises are made to be broken. that's love.

di na siya nagtext last new year's eve. nahiya siguro kasi nahuli ko sya. meron ba sya noon? but i know, she wouldn't stop. God bless her misdeeds. hehehe

past year

my previous year was absolutely disgusting. marital problems, hormonal imbalance, kids, finances, relatives, officemates. but, one thing for sure, i have a strong support of good and beautiful friends around me.

my kids are my life. i can handle P now, he's more loving and polite excepts when ADHD attacks him. i'm doom and stress again.

D is getting spoiled and terrible. as always, a kid comes to my house and tells me, "si D po, sinuntok si...." my goodness. he learned how to buy in a store after hearing a kid said, "pabili po." by instinct, i heard him say the words and also this smile on his face. smart? i hope.

the tatay, i should learn how to play political war games with him. keep your head on your feet and let him feel his machismo. the hell!!!

ex, i want closure and i want to let him feel i am sorry for what i did. pero hanggang doon na lang yon.

to my friends, you are the best.... i love you guys.