accident prone

P was in the bed when I arrived at 7:00 pm last friday. He fell off from his bike. He was in pain. He had bruises in the head, shoulders, arms, etc. He's head was aching. Oh my God, i was praning again. I gave him a pain reliever but his headache made him lie on his bed. I told D to bring P to the hospital. He was adamant, he told me, it's just normal.
Nasemplang eh.

I checked P regularly during the night. D did the same thing in the morning, he checked on P. If his headache persists, i'll bring him to the doctor. But thank God, it stopped and he looked okey now except for his big black eye.

From now on, he is no longer allowed to ride his bike.
He told me, "he has black eyed peas."

P, my adhd kid

For the past months, I have been busy blogging about my miserable spouse and life. I'm slowly going back to my own circle. Hopefully, I can fully recover and move on.

P is my eldest son. he was a shaken and battered infant. he was also a colic and cry baby. I cannot handle his late night cries. It made me more depress and sometimes hard to P. Post-natal depression lead me into it and also, my spouse was still having gimmicks during those times that he sometimes left me alone in taking care of my baby.

I was a young and an irresponsible mother. I still have my guilts regarding the things that i did to P. It's not always black and blue naman. Poor baby. It always comes back. Now, I'm paying back the things that I did to him.

His condition stresses me a lot. Grabe, walang usapang matino pag pinagsasabihan mo. Laging galit at pasigaw. Nakakapagod. But I know, P is a good and polite boy. He just cannot control his brain when his angst starts to attack. His attitude and behavior are killing me when he is provoke. Pati mga bayarin. Gusto kong ipatutor pero ayaw ni D at kulang ang pera ko sa theraphy pa lang.

Napapagod na akong walang pera. Gusto ko ng maraming pera para maibigay ko lahat ng treatment para sa anak ko. I have to do it. Feeling ko ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit siya may ADHD. I told the his development doctor about it. Hindi naman daw reason yon.

Oh life....

my mama

my mama will be home in a month's time. it's been five years since she left the country for the land of milk and honey. she was petitioned by our eldest brother, the navy man.

she left her retirement pay here. my sister P manages her finances. she provides the daily allowances of a maid (who has been a part of the family ever since), a single brother (who has SSS pension but super duper kunat), and two sons (one has work and the other has no permanent work but with a family of his own). galing ano???!!!!

my mom is a generous person, when she got her retirement pay, relatives of my father came to borrow money, asked for 8 electric fans as donations to the church. some even asked for an amount of money for medications, etc.

as a prayerful person, she sends a seminarian to school. she has a quarterly pledge to a religious organizations who tend to make some people make their religous comeback.

when she asks us what we want, we give in. as my sister M says, yung iba nga hingi ng hingi kayo pa?

all she does these at the age of 68 because as she said, maraming umaasa sa kanya.
or i can't blame her, pinaasa niya rin.

that's part of the Filipino culture , if you have relatives abroad, they know, you can ask money from them and some relatives give in to their requests. what they don't know is... money is hard in the US. you have to give your best shot and work hard for it.

kaya nga i told them, kung saan siya maligaya doon siya. pera naman niya yoon eh and i love my mama!

employment crisis

D is torn between two lovers.... este employers. his former boss wants him back with offers he cannot turn down. then D gave them a 2 week leave to test the water with his new Japanese employer.

today he has a meeting with his former employer. if the agreement turns out okey, he will go back leaving the poor japanese with no choice because he plans to make it an absence without leave. bad move.... exit gracefully honey.

if i were him, i'll stay with his current employer. why? because this is an international company and it will give him qualifications that will add up to his resume. whereas, the technological innovations that this company will give him are great opportunities if he plans to work abroad. i know.... he loves it here!

for me, it's not just money but how it help in your career path.... well, he's not me. as he goes on saying... i'm a feminist lass.

sometimes, i don't know if i will blame or thank UP for giving me principles and a mind of my own.

Bob Garon

i'm reading Bob Garon's articles in the Manila Times. it's good. it gives me peace of mind and helps me in my healing process.

it's still a process. i hope....

movie marathon

it was raining the whole day last saturday. nothing to do... they watch some movies. i introduced D to the movies of Matt Damon. he was impressed with the Bourne series. i watched those movies then i was in the States from the movie collection of my brother.

he was craving for more... now, i found a way to let him stay at home :-)

asa pa you!

a housewife material

D was raised in a traditional family setup wherein the women in their house accepts and swallows what is there and what is given.

he wants me to be a housewife material, not literally but something that has to do with just accepting life's mysteries and wonders.

i'm not like that and i cannot be like that.

kahit niloloko ka na tatahimik ka na lang?

it's hard to swallow what you believe in but i have to do it. just to give my kids a good life at sa ikakatahimik ng lahat.

DAMN IF YOU DO, DAMN IF YOU DON'T.

life sucks....

erratic behavior

i hate myself. why can't i adjust to the situation.

grabe....

i know, i can only achieve peace through myself.

move on...

i told myself this morning:

i will sacrifice my pride and belief for my kids

be insensitive and have a no pakialam attitude on his wrongdoings

have a life and be good

do what is right and live with dignity

be positive

less talk.

but i know, this will not be forever.

over reaction??

D came home late on a saturday evening. when i opened the door he was upbeat, kissed me and told me let's go out and have a drink. i was tired and already sleepy. so i said, let's just sleep. i was holding his cellphone when i heard a tone.

he tried to grab it. we were rolling over the bed because he wanted to get his phone. but he stopped and i read the message. it was C. i was fuming mad again. he told me, that's why i want us to go out because i want to tell you that she texted me.

and he replied...... damn you. stop the communication please if you are sincere.

then, i told him, let's go. let's talk. nada.... be kept on cursing me again.

i called H on the phone and told him what time D left on their inuman, the time he arrived and everything. then i called C, stupid girl, a real whore. she really knows how to fight her battles and ang galing mangasar. sanay na kabit at mangaway ng asawa.

i was caught offguard. i left the house and tried to find her. i called her again and bombed her. then, D called cursing me again and told me he left the house at magkita na lang kami sa korte.

but, during our conversation. C knew that D and i signed a contract of agreement on our separation which was suppose to happen last december. she knew. so they have been communicating.

i texted his friends so they will know. i don't know, that's my style but i know, i won't gain anything from it.

i also told ate glo because D was there and they were curious again.

i was depress. i was crying again. i don't know....

oh well, i lost the battle but i know someday, i will win.

a text away

D received a text from C, asking him to go to their place of drinking while celebrating xmas. he received at least 5 messages.

he did not reply, he didn't even go there. is that a good sign or he just coundn't come because he broke his teeth on christmas eve? LoL

i replied... merry christmas! polet here!

she was sorry and promised never to bother again. now's she's back. oh well, young girls gone bad. promises are made to be broken. that's love.

di na siya nagtext last new year's eve. nahiya siguro kasi nahuli ko sya. meron ba sya noon? but i know, she wouldn't stop. God bless her misdeeds. hehehe

past year

my previous year was absolutely disgusting. marital problems, hormonal imbalance, kids, finances, relatives, officemates. but, one thing for sure, i have a strong support of good and beautiful friends around me.

my kids are my life. i can handle P now, he's more loving and polite excepts when ADHD attacks him. i'm doom and stress again.

D is getting spoiled and terrible. as always, a kid comes to my house and tells me, "si D po, sinuntok si...." my goodness. he learned how to buy in a store after hearing a kid said, "pabili po." by instinct, i heard him say the words and also this smile on his face. smart? i hope.

the tatay, i should learn how to play political war games with him. keep your head on your feet and let him feel his machismo. the hell!!!

ex, i want closure and i want to let him feel i am sorry for what i did. pero hanggang doon na lang yon.

to my friends, you are the best.... i love you guys.