kiss ass!

So, being in the Philippines and the savior of marriage, just for the sake of my children, not mine included.

I will definitely kiss my own ass for this!

Bullshit! I hate the feeling.

loosing end

We talked over the phone, wala.

My decision, I will stick to him until he dispatches the girl which is asap. I don't know when is asap, maybe next month, six months, 2 years and never.

It's against my will and power. But, what can I do? Kaya ko pang magtiis, titiisin ko pa para sa mga anak ko. Sabi niya, yon daw ang dapat gawin dahil yon ang dapat.

Pero, this will not be forever.

I assure you that!

loosing him

I am loosing him because I cannot control everything. I am miserable, always demanding, nagging, violent and problematic and to think that there's C, who gives him tender loving care and understanding.

I cannot compete.

pried!

I pry again. I can't help it.

We went to Martee's bday last saturday held at Galleria. I was stoic, not mingling with his relatives. I might have gathered impressions already but what the heck, I was trying to stop from talking because I might be liable again of being a "know-it-all-person." As what D, always implies to me.

Olive called me, we had our drinking session. Im beginning to be an alcoholic. Then, Jimmy,Olive, Obet and me went to Sarah's because beer was out-of-stock in the nearby stores.

D arrived at 2:00 am, his cellphone was dead bat. I checked on his phone. They are texting again. After D told me that he stopped texting her. C was in village A, she's getting near him. He dropped by when C arrived and left. But, C was telling him to come back, even calling him on the phone in the wee hours of the morning.

I was violent again, hitting him, slapping him, throwing things, etc. D woke up. He saw our frights and almost wept. D wept, he was so sorry for his son seeing us in that state of violence. I was kicked, slapped in the face using his slippers, hit on the head.

I felt I was betrayed. He promised he will stop seeing her and he told me that they don't text anymore. Lies....

God, do I deserve this? Probably yes, because I was the first to hit him. But no, I felt I am betrayed agaid.

We passified in the afternoon, but dinner time, I cannot control my emotions anymore. The cheating came to my mind again and again. If you are not in a relationship anymore, why see her again? I was nagging him when he was eating, I didn't stop when he told me to stop. He threw his plate with food in it. He was so mad, he said, "I don't deserve this treatment."

What about me? Do I deserve to be cheated on and wait until he realized his mistakes? This has been repeated.

But, I know I also need to change my outlook and my principles if I really want to keep my family.

I'm soooooo miserable.

By the way, the plate costs P500.

draining myself

Hindi ko na yata kaya!

st

I was with my friends yesterday, Ruth, Rhea and Monet. It was a small talk because Monet will be staying in Boracay to be with her partner and work there as a preschool teacher. I hope she survives because Monet has this "I cant stand this" attitude thing.

Ruth just went to Camiguin for an R&R. Lucky for her, she's single and uhum... rich. Buti pa siya.

Rhea, is a dear and confidant friend. My other half and always there to comfort me when I am sad.

They gave me good advises on my marriage, D and God. As they say, for D, silent treatment is the best for him. Just continue to be good and I will be blessed. I have to stand and keep my dignity because I have done nothing wrong.

Prayers make wonders. Slowly but surely.

For my sanity.

bday boy

After a long trip from Manila, Pampanga and Zambales, scouting for a venue for the Staff Development Program for the office, I came home early and we were able to celebrate his birthday peacefully.

We ate at Greenwich with the kids, the pizza was bland, what the heck, the kids loved them. Then, we went to Trellis for our drinking spree. Together without the kids.

It was a talk of understanding his mistakes and justifying his act as part or stage of a man's life. Macho! He kept repeating and repeating that it's only a stage and I should understand his actions and eventually it will pass. Just don't make patol. Later on, it will die in the natural way. He told me, give me end of March to end the relationship.

Siya na nga may kasalanan, ako pa ang magaadjust. Nagwoworry rin siya sa mararamdaman ng girl, pero sa akin, hindi.

Selfish ano!

accept

Will C accept D's break-up? Or will there be a break-up at all? What if she became hysterical and a cry-baby and tell him, I will be your girlfriend forever.

Hugh!!! There's a possibility. I don't care anymore.

I don't know. I stopped checking on his phone for three days already.

God bless them.

he's back

D went home thursday evening. As usual, drunk. He told me, his life is getting miserable. He wants to keep his family and it all depends on me. Nung gabi, I hit him on the head with his cellphone because I saw C's code name in his bluetooth. Bad trip na naman ako.

Nung madaling araw, I cannot sleep, crying and depressed. Then he talked, I talked. I do not know, he promised he will leave the girl within this month. He fell in love with the her because she was there when I drove him away. She was her companion and a shoulder to hold on. She's just waiting, I know.

There was no acceptance yet. We were still weighting things. I was miserable when he is in the house. I feel longing and attach, I dont want to be like that. But, when he's home, I began to demand and be praning again.

We still talk, blaming each other, how to solve the family, our crisis and so on and so forth. He was in the house, friday.

We went to Real Quezon last saturday and my boys enjoyed the beach.

Friday evening, he started to bring back his stuff. Was I relieved? Yes/No, I was in pain of losing him and at the same time, I dont want him to betray me again.

I'm still paranoid and I want to change my outlook in life. Siguro for my kids.

He has his principles, I have mine. Two different minds in one. I don't know how can I hang on. It's not my call, it's his call always because he's the man and I am the mother of his kids.

I have to be strong.... I guess!!!

si Mr. Bodybuilder

I like R's body. A real macho man. Actually, he's my crush and he makes me kilig. He was in the library this morning for the card checking. He borrowed things from me.
R joins D's drinking sprees at VA every saturday.

R told me, he doesn't hang out with them lately. Then there's this article, "how to handle toxic friends", he told me to read it again and again. He even told me, "go check your computer," para mawala stress mo.

Looks like he doesn't know anything yet. At least, he's not only macho... concern pa.

Kinikilig tuloy ako. hehehe

cp

Got myself a new phone last saturday.

Nokia 6300. A gift for myself. The bad thing is I texted him, wanting to go back.

Next time, texting will be used for the kid's concern.

Ang sarap pala ng feeling ng my bagong cellphone.

normal

He went to the house monday 4 am to bring his laundry. He stayed until morning, took his breakfast, went back to his mother's house to dress up and hinatid kami.

Last night, he brought Darell home, ate his dinner and again slept in the house. We were talking... he's mad at me dahil pinalayas ko daw siya. Pinalayas ko siya dahil sa paulit ulit na pambabae niya with the same girl. Normal at stage daw yon. He will definitely change.... when? Magtiis lang ako? No way.... ginagago ka na, iintindihin mo pa rin.

I told him, you can come back kung maiiwan mo ang girl. Mahirap daw, he can't resist. Babalik daw siya and then, ganoon ulit. He needs space. Ok, I told him. Go back if you are ready at matino ka na...kung may babalikan ka pa.

My God, he's really a male chauvinist pig.

iba ka eh!

Kaninang umaga, nagtetext kami. I want him back, pero may kundisyon iwan niya ang babae niya. I was clinging to him pero nung nababasa ko na ang mga texts niya. To hell... wala na akong aasahan sa iyo.

Kanina, dumaan. Dito siya nagdinner. Lasing.Kinakausap si Darell. The boys seemed jubilant. Pero, pinukpok ako. Ako pa may kasalanan. Pati daw ang drawer na may personal na gamit nya, dinala mo doon. Wala daw siyang babae at kabit. Pinagtabuyan ko daw siya kaya ituloy tuloy na namin. Nilayo ko ang sarili ko sa kanya.

Iba daw ako, kasi si Piper, buong UP alam na may kabit ang asawa niya, pero tinanggap niya. Paano, wala siyang choice. She's a plain housewife. Tapos, sabi, ikaw, walang lalaking tatagal sa iyo. Titikman ka lang dahil sa ugali at prinsipyo ko. Aba....aba...., hindi ko na pinagstay, pinaalis ko na.

After, I became stronger... wala ng iyak iyak.

They just do not know the pain and treatment that I got from D pag nahuhuli ko siya.

Whew....

his call

His brother, N said to ate Glo, it should be his call. Even if the girl keeps pestering and showing her endearing and enduring love for him, he should be the one to avoid because he is already married.

He kept on saying to me before, relax ka lang. Kayo priority ko.

Macho.

Sorry, matagal na ito. Di ko kayang magtiis.

I'm still in pain, but I know, this will not last.

solid sign

My friend Rhea told me to pray for a solid evidence to determine if my husband is still having an affair. I prayed.

God is good!

Last tuesday evening, I saw his car at ate Glo's house. Relieved, because no calls where made to inform me, hey, I'm here.

1:00 in the morning, Wednesday. Someone was knocking, it's Caloy, a private security personnel in UP informing me that D's car stopped in the middle of the street. Sa kalasingan, maybe he thought, nasa bahay na siya. But I was wondering, if he came from ate Glo's house, he should be coming from the left side of the street, not coming from Fine Arts.

Okey, so, he was so warak sa kalasingan. I told him, I will drive the car back to the house. When he transferred to the passenger seat, I saw a cellphone and immediately, put it in my pocket. When seated, kinapa niya ang pocket niya as if looking for something, nawala ang kalasingan. Sabi ko, saan ka galing? Kay Glo, bday ni Fermin, lumabas pa kami.

Lies.....

He told me he will get something from the car and pumasok na daw ako. I went to the comfort room and check on the cellphone. Doon pala sila nagtetext. Got you. My solid evidence. Papasok siya sa bahay, hinampas ko sa kanya ang cellphone, I was so violent and screaming to death. Galit na galit ako. Nabugbog ko siya, nasipa ko pa sa mukha.

J, my younger brother entered the house at siya ang nagpigil sa akin. Galit na galit ako. I send his stuff at ate Glo's house ng 2:00 in the morning. I need to cry, I need to release my pain and emotions.

So, I went to Ernie, a friend of D who is currently on duty sa may UP. Doon ako umiyak ng umiyak. I was howling like a cow and after that I felt good. Di ako, nakatulog, 5:00 am, I dialed Rhea's number. Thank God at gising na siya. We were both crying because she knows, I will be relieved from all my pains and feelings.

Then, I went to ate Glo to give D's other stuff. As of kanina, he went to the house to get his other stuff. As usual, galit pa. Yung nga lang, alam daw ng buong mundo.

That's the risk you have to take. I was still hoping na, baka magbago pa siya at magkaroon ng humility. Nah....

I won't pray to God anymore for him to realize his mistakes and come back to me.

Ayoko na....

assessment

P had his assessment with his developmental pedia. I had mixed emotions.
Sad, relieved, happy, wondering and proactive.

P does not have a bad case of adhd, he has attention problems but definitely not that serious. It's more on slight mental retardation and learning delays. We still have to check on the results of the psychological test then the doctor will give the necessary recommendations and accommodations of the school.

I'm planning to transfer P to a school that is adhd friendly, not so academic minded and will take care of my precious and special baby.

At the same time, I will be thinking for his future...saving and providing financial assistance and insurance for his needs when he gets older.

I am a mother and nothing can beat me when it comes to my own children... whatever state of mind I am in right now.

Oh, P...

passed by

Jeff, an alumnus of Batch 1998 went to the Registrar's Office to get his transcript and diploma. He was at the photocopying machine when I saw him. He was staring at me, but I did not greet him because I thought he was one of our nerdy looking teachers in Chemistry.

He saw and approached me, I immediately remembered him but definitely not his name. I'm not good at it.

Yeah, I remembered, he was the student who will always go to my room and rants and raves about rules, policies, etc. A professional complainer. I was asking questions and how at a very young age, he has a career already. Truly, a pisay scholar.

It's good that this student do not forget to look back and remember someone during his high school days.

Before he left, he said.. "my friendster ka ba? para madagdagan friends ko!"

I think I should I have? Nah.....

Way to go Jeff!

scorn again

Last Saturday, I called his office to ask him where he was. The man who answered the phone said, "umalis na Ma'am, nasalubong ko sa gate." Then I texted him. He was at PLC's house, he replied. I called the office if D was indeed in his' boss house. Wala daw, walang nakapark na kotse. The house is five houses away doon sa ginagawa niyang bahay. Pero, sa text, sabi niya sa kabila. Sabi sa office, 3 houses away. Iginigiit niya. Kabila. Pero pag kausap niya ako... tapat lang ng bahay ni E.

Lies, lies, lies.

He did not go to village A for their session agad. He went there past 9. So, sinong kasama niya? Then, the number that I saw in his phone, two weeks ago na dati ko ng tinetext, biglang sumagot nung saturday ng gabi. Kasi, i also forwarded my messages kay D in that number. Sumagot.... for God's sake, tigilan mo ako. Tapos, nung bandang late na.... Watch your words at... if you really hate the person, be ready with the risks and consequences.

Yesterday, I cannot sleep. I was crying and miserable. I kept on pestering him. Then, umamin din...pero wala daw masama sa ginagawa niya.

What a man!!!!

draw the line!

I have butterflies in my stomach.

There is this feeling that I know, this whole thing of separation is for good. He's been going home late for two days already. No talk, but with civil treatments.

Part of me says, let him go but half of it says let him stay. I do not know, I believe on what I feel and I am fully hurt on what I heard and the text messages that I saw with an unregistered number. Until now, that number has not replied and I assumed that it's her again and the lies. The trust is gone and it hurts me to death.

I still remind or bully him if he has found a room or condo.

But I know, I have to draw the line.


Help me Lord!

separation blues

Everytime we have problems, I always tell him to leave the house. Honestly, I really want him to leave. I want a separation but he just doesn't leave. I dreaded the time that he will definitely leave, but I know, I can handle it. I wish that the time will come where he will leave us for good hindi puro practise na lang.

We have different principles. Hindi magkatugma. I think, I am too idealist and want our realtionship in a compromise manner but he is just a male chauvinist pig.

Oh life! When will I get a guy that I can really call a MAN?

Soon! LOL

That's the spirit. GO!!!

going back

This afternoon, we will be sending off my mama back to her homebase. It was a busy and expensive 3-week stay.

I asked her,"do you want to go back? It's more of an obligation not a want." My mom just smiled.

My mom has a strong-willed personality, even if her life has ups and downs. She still have an aura of something good will come out of if.

I wish I have her dignified glory.

looks like

Last wednesday, I called him on his cellphone, out of sheer desperation. The first call was answered, I heard voices, his and a girl. The voice sounds familiar. Then, last saturday, there is a number with messages, i will be there in 20 minutes. Then, he came home at 3:00 am.

I have been tracing and texting that number. To date, no response. Nada...

I have a strong feeling na sila ulit.

God, please help me.