end?

i received a text from A, D's friend last friday. he told me, i should see C. i have a class and i was at first eager to talk and see her. But then, i backed out. i prayed for a sign and think about the whole situation. i informed D about the text and he vehemently said no.

i followed his advise.

C was asking for a closure but her companions were adamant. they want me there. i was confused already, hindi ko na alam kung sino na ka text ko.

then, i received the forwarded wonderful text messages of D to C. it killed my consciousness again. it was my first time to read his text messages to C.

we talked, he told me bits and pieces. D falls in love with the girl. His greatest fear is na baka malaman kong minahal niya si C. D was asking for forgiveness with full sincerity. did i feel it? yes, but i am still confuse.

i am not asking for details anymore to lessen the pain. what you don't know won't hurt you. i believe him, but the pain and the betrayal are still in my system. at least, this time, we were not violent, we were talking like professional adults. he even congratulated me for being strong.

then they were cursing us in texts... i pity her, pinaasa kasi. C really loves D that much. i know, i can feel.

D texted his sister and asked for forgiveness. this action was my landmark on the end with his communication to C. i was touched but...

C texted again, asking for forgiveness on what happened last night and closing her ties with D. hopefully...

am i happy? a little but...

apologies

just had a two hour sleep last night. at 2:00 am, i touched him and told him when he is leaving. he will only leave if i will give him an assurance na hindi ko gagawin yung mga pananakot ko sa kanya. i told him, give me 15K, malaki, di niya kaya... only 8K.

ano ka, swerte? kulang yon.

then he hugged me and said, patawarin mo na ako, hindi ko na uulitin. pag inulit ko pa, ako na ang lalayas. hinding hindi na kita sasaktan.

i texted him and he said, he won't do it anymore. i forwarded his text to C and told her, sana tigilan na rin niya. she texted back...
asahan mo :-)

i don't know if i can trust the person twice.

God, please help me!

humility and acceptance

"nasaan na ang SIM ko, ang daming kumokontak sa akin, hindi ako makontak. tumatawag na si ed calma sa opisina. hindi daw ako makontak. sira ulo ka talaga! isang tao lang ang kaaway mo. dinadamay mo lahat!"

is this the guy that i love, married and the father of my boys?

this morning, i said my apologies and told him i am giving back his SIM. he can get it at the guard . i inserted a letter with the following contents:

D,

I am very sorry for all the pains and inconveniences I caused you.
I am really sorry!

“By accepting, I have learned to forgive, by forgiving, I found happiness.”(Beyond Normal)

Please, please, give me my freedom. I also deserve to be happy and a fair treatment that is build in trust.

PLEASE, GIVE ME MY FREEDOM!

again and again and again....

relationships are build on trust. this sunday was the worst fight ever. after slapping his phone on his face. he kicked me again, many times that scared me to death.

i cried the whole night, even calling my mama... i always call her when i'm in grieve pain....

they were textmates forever and even caught them having a lunch date... i don't know if it was extended lunchdate... at landmark on sept 17 when i inserted his sim card in my phone. now, i got his sim and he got my phone.

yesterday.... oh poor girl. we were textmates, i cursed her to death but to no avail... looks like her head is like a rock. wala na daw sila...but why keep communicating... love... yeah, i know the feeling...

after all the lies, sino pang maniniwala.

the thing is, he doesn't leave the house...pinapalayas na ayaw pa ring umalis.

oh well.... life will be better tomorrow!

chat....

last sunday, i chatted with my sister mona and my mom. wala lang, kuwento dito kuwento doon. ang tagal na rin kasi naming hindi nagchachat.

tapos biglang online pala si gladys. oh, i miss that girl. nilibre niya ako sa Universal Studios dati.

reading....

i'm back to reading. i stop because of my keratoconus (a congenial eye defect that will lead to blindness and a corneal transplant).

it's a good stress reliever at the same time.

the last book that i read was Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelcho. more to come.

......????

we finally get to talk. i was pushing him away, ito namang isa, pinagsisiksikan sarili niya sa bahay. the same thing, sumbatan, sisihan, etc.etc.... wala namang compromise.

the thing i observed was how the effect of this problem to my kids. D asked for his tatay. P was sad and irritated. my kids are very happy to see their tatay at home.

oh well, forget yourself. love the kids and later tomorrow life will be better.

kid's talk

P: Nanay, bakit kayo lagi nagaaway ni Tatay?

Nanay: Kasi, hindi kami magkasundo. Minsan ganoon talaga.

____________

P: Nanay, mahal mo pa si Tatay?

Nanay: Para sa inyo ni Darell, anak.

____________

P: Nanay ano ang rape?

Nanay: Forced contact with a girl.
____________

P: Nanay bakit namamatay ang tao?

Nanay: Kasi hindi sila kumakain ng gulay, pwede rin nagkasakit at naaksidente.

P: No response.
___________

Nanay: Hindi na dito titira si tatay ha! Lagi kasi kaming nagaaway.

D: Hindi, dito titira tatay. Love kayo, bati kayo tatay ko!

__________________

the nerve!

you really don't know to determine fake people. i met one this week, i thought she's an angel. i was a victim of wrong interpretation. it was my mistake, i was so open kasi. vulnerable.

to hell with them.

oh yeah, lumpen, utak squatter and utak ipis.

the whore!

didn’t you get it!

D was ranting and raving about how the issue became a big deal on him. how it was blown out of proportion. i was the aggrieve party and he’s the bad guy. i am now the friend of his friends and he will just stick with his relatives.

he's life is now ruined because of me. pwede na siyang magpakasira.

why think like that? i think it should be the other way around. synthesize, be broad minded on how to solve the problem. compromise on how can i treat my wife better and how to be a good father to my kids. lalo lang niyang ilululong ang sarili niya.

i was again and again expressing my need of affectionate attention from him....nada...deadma...asa ka pa!

ano ka ba? didn't you get it, lost love!!!
gosh, ang tagal ko bago na gets. bakit ngayon ko lang naisip?

life will be better tomorrow!!!!

D's friends

i called for an inuman with D's friends. M,B,A and H were there but H hurriedly left. i do not want to go home early because D was in the house. i went to mass and directly went to the shop. but there's a rule. no talking about the issue, D and C.
i came there for the company, relax and have a good night sleep with the help of alcohol.

i was the bangka and the butt of jokes but, sometimes we talk about the issue but we quickly change the topic. for my sake.

it was fun and i was drunk, i like mitch, she's great but i wont be a homebody like her. i slapped on A when he tries to dominate the conversation :-)

texting with the enemy

i texted C's father and told him the tryst of his daughter and my husband. then for the second time, she replied. gosh, i gave her blows and at the same time how she should act as a woman. got a dose of her own medicine.

an explanation

how do you explain the situation to a 9 and 4 year old kids? :-9

it's like talking to an adult but with a detailed explanation. i can see their reactions, P cried and D was adamant. want my tatay here! D shouted. but they have words to share when their yaya arrived. di na dito uuwi tatay ko!

the next morning, we were all in our own little state of minds. you can see the loneliness in our eyes and in our moods. but i know, my boys are receptive and they have their own ways of survival. being a super mom like me is one of them.

my boys, my life....

Mama Mary

last saturday, i went to mass. alone and in a prayerful mode. guilty, i only go to church when i'm in need of divine intervention. i told God to guide me in my decisions. kung sila pa rin, give me a sign.
it was Mama Mary's bday. she gave me her present.
i caught them again...

prayers make wonders.

still the same panloloko

we went home safely... si tatay warak na naman sa kalasingan.
i heard a message tone in his cellphone. hindi niya binabasa. then, his visitor left and went to the bedroom at hinarot si D. message tone again. i quickly grabbed his cellphone and went to the bathroom. sila ulit... nagtetext na naman sila ng sweet nothings at magkita daw sila. then, i dumped his cellphone in the pail of water.

that's the start of something physical and violent again. i hit him, he kicked me. that's infront of D. i can feel the trauma and pain in the face of my son. i told him to leave, ihahatid ko sya sa kabila. ayaw, sabi, sunduin siya ng nanay niya saka sya aalis. i went to his relatives and called ate G and explained what happened. with full force, sinundo siya sa bahay kasama si kuya N. then, he threw the bag to me and before leaving, minura ako. minura ko rin. at least nakita ng mga kamaganak niya ang asal nya. then i heard kuya N said, hindi tayo pinalaking ganyan........

then, i packed his clothes and asked ate G to get them.

after cleaning the house, everything sinked in to me. now, i can feel the pain, the hurt and the continous betrayal but i have to move on for my boys.

D was just behind me during the incident, he gave me his tatay's cellphone battery and phone cover. i left him in P's room but he quickly ran when he heard the car leaving. when his tatay was gone, he pressed a hersheys' stuff toy, it emitted a sound. he did it to get my attention and pacify me. Sweet D!

P, he kept asking, bakit nanay? and then cries, cries,cries, buckets of tears.

hindi naman akong perpektong asawa. alam ko yon. ako ay demanding, domineering, violente. ako ang nagsimulang mambubog, battered husband kung baga. pero dahil sa mga ginagawang pangloloko niya ito, barkada,alak at babae. hindi naman ako magiging ganoon kung hindi dahil sa kanya. bawat maling gawa, may justifications.

ang sama lang ng loob ko, hindi naman siya sweet sa akin. nagagawa pa niyang maging sweet sa syota niya at magtawagan silang "baby ko!" samantalang pag nasa bahay, ang sungit, parang wala na kaming ginawang maganda.

pero kahit puno ng evidences, kahit anong diin, hindi umaamin. the girl really knows how to make her presence felt. pro??!! i don't know.

the struggle begins....

Star City

D recieved an invite from a classmate who will celebrate his bday at Star City. rich kid. i was reluctant to go, dahil walang pera. pero naiisip ko, kakaibang experience for my kids and para masabi ni P na he's been to star city....

go kami, dahil nagiinom si tatay, at ako nagdrive. it's sheer determination and love for the kids kaya ko nagawang magdrive ulit ng malayo.

it was fun.....yung dalawang pasahero ko sa likod, gising at si P, backseat driver na rin.

other woman

after denying his mistress.i finally found the answer to my question. my intuition is right. sya nga, wala ng iba. nakita ko ang picture ni C sa wallet ni D. i hit him twice sa face. what an unruly man, sinipa ako sa dibdib. nanikip ang dibdib ko.sobra na daw ako. wala na sila nananahimik na daw sya eto na nanaman ako. hindi na daw siya uuwi. i was crying, then P asked, nanay, bakit kayo nagaaway ni tatay? my heart was crushed.

akala ko di na siya uuwi. umuwi rin. para hindi magwala, binuksan ko ang pinto. kanina, i asked him to leave the house. totally, bahala na si batman. sige daw, nananahimik na daw sya. he told me to take a dose of my own medicine.

pero alam mo, okey lang ako..... bahala na sa finances...