the end

D finally told his mother na hiwalay na kami. wala, kahit anong gawin ko or sabihin ko.... wala na... wala na talaga.

i'm sad and crying all the time. then, nagtext pa si C sa kanya.nasa shop at niyayaya siyang maginom. pag babae may justifications, pag ako wala. ang gulo ng utak ko. ako ang magulo, is it my fault? ako ba ang may pagkukulang???

he will leave first week of january, pag settled na siya.

bahala na.

Santa came

i asked the boys to hang their socks. they even put decorations on it because i told them, Santa will come tonight and give them their gifts. P wrote Santa a letter and placed them under the christmas tree.

i cooked our noche buena, ham and cheese. before 12, i woke them up and gave them their gifts. grabe, ang saya saya nila.

without the presence of their father

money matters

we were suppose to go to Riverbanks last sunday. then i asked D when he will pay his borrowed money of my brother that i keep. he was furios, wala daw siyang perang utang. he paid me daw. i don't have to explain the details of the money but i know, hindi pa niya ako binayaran doon. i was also reacting, he was mad. i can see it in his eyes. then, he gave me his dirty finger. "eto ka oh." he said that to me.

my God, my God. grabe...

hindi na daw kami tutuloy at hindi namin gagamitin ang sasakyan kahit kasama ko ang dalawang boys ko.

then he texted me... marami... then sabi niya mukha ka na talagang pera. then i asked his to leave. he's leaving pag may kasulatan.

24, P's birthday. i made the contract of agreement and we both signed it.

bday greetings!

i was chatting with my mama when she said, "happy birthday anak, masaya ka ba?" I almost fell on my chair and started getting emotional again. i replied "opo" but it brought back my dramatic and complicated life.

mothers have good instincts, i know, she can feel my pain and misery. as much as i want to be like her, i don't know. i just offer my life to my kids and be an independent woman.

atta girl!!!

girly drama

i told D, i hate being a girl. ang daming hang-ups, hormonal imbalance, sensitivities, expectations, etc. it's stressing me and at the same time, makes me more prone to depression.

but after talking to my dear friend V, i woke up and realized that i should stop this girly drama, move on and make myself happy. life is good. you just have to learn how to deal with it.

yan and Pinay and i'm getting there. this time, totoo na ito.

kid's christmas party

P and D's christmas parties are both on the same day. how can i divide my body with my boys to think that their father does not attend school activities? sigh. i know, no expectations because he's not like that ever since and he's a busy man.

i decided i will attend P's party because he needs an audience for his christmas play. it was entertaining and alluring watching christmas plays especially that P's school has special kids who participate, move around and cry on stage.

P was in front of the stage. i was mesmerized of his graceful dance steps. how he performs without inhibitions and how he efficiently and clearly delivered his lines. i was touched. i know, my son is an artist and even though P has ADHD, he has his strengths that i need to develop. sulit lahat ng gastos :-)

the thing that touched me most was when one special kid was given the chance to dance alone with her own steps, unmindful of her condition. the audience clapped on her achievements knowing that this chinese special girl acts on a robotic stance. it made me cry and i am still happy and bless that P is still far better off than the other special kids in his school.

pagkatao

last night, D went home from a drinking session. he has a pasalubong, two pieces of burgers from Jollibee.

while changing clothes, he told me, "sinira mo pagkatao ko, ngayon ko lang sinabi ito sa iyo."

me? excuse me, it was you who made something wrong, bad, illegal and immoral. now you are putting the blame on me because i told your relatives about our problem. if i didn't told them about it, baka hanggang ngayon, kayo pa rin ni C.

it was already late when i told them na may babae siya, june ko sya nahuli but i assume na earlier pa ang relationship nila and it continued until september. it was only then that i told them to get you out from the house.

ngayon, ako ang sisisihin nya. bullshit.

2 months

we are now counting the days, in two months time, my mom will be home on February 15. i miss my mom. she's my strength, my life, my inspiration and my idol.

nobody can replace her and in a way, i want to be like her.

i love you mama! see you soon.

ex

i went jogging last tuesday night. i saw ex in front of our house, buying his merienda. i haven't seen him passing by our house since last week. then, when i opened the gate, my head turned to the left as if looking for someone. when i turned on the other side, i saw him sitting on the bench staring at me. i was caught, then i saw D and told my son that i'll just jog. escape :-)

then, this morning, his friend greeted me a happy birthday. i asked him, "paano mo nalaman?", "sinabi ni B, nakita nga daw niya ikaw na nagjojogging nakakasura ano..."
sabi ko, "no, wag ganoon, masama yon."

should i blame myself for what happened to B? it was his decision, he knows his faults and mistakes. i got tired already. the only mistake that i did was when i fell in love with his friend. now, i'm sorry to say this, my spouse.

but still, he loves me more that what D is showing me and i can say that first love never dies... but i know, we will never be together.

i'm not like them.

bday plans

i'll be turning 37 on the 15th.

the dialogue went like this

D: malapit na bday mo? anong plano mo?

P: i'm giving you the freedom to plan for my bday. but definitely, we're going to have dinner with the kids.

D: ikaw, ano pa ang gusto mo?

P: just give me your loyalty, love and happiness.

D: noted :-)

give him the benefit of the doubt

i'm still paranoid.

i don't know what to do. i'm still confuse.

this time, a conversation with V gave me a head bang.

"ikaw na yata ang may problema? give him the benefit of the doubt. you are very blessed."

last night, i told D, that i am afraid of C. i don't know but she really makes her presence felt. I know, she still loves D. hindi pa pala siya nakakarecover.

actually, i can manage my emotions, it's my son D that i am afraid off.

oh life....

si D

grabe, galit na galit ako sa nangyari. there's a conspiracy between D and C. kinulit ni D si D na umattend ng bday niya, dahil nandoon si C. There's a possibility that si C and may idea noon, at si Doris, konsintidora. tapos itong isa, hindi makatanggi at gustong gusto naman makita si C.

oh life, tapos itong si D, bumabawi. inaya akong lumabas nung sunday night. it was nice and totally sweet, pero tingin ko, nung gabi lang na yon ako ganoon.

i'm still in crisis. gusto ko na siyang umalis sa bahay, pero ayaw umalis and my kids are looking for him. grabe... ang tindi talaga ng crisis ko.

Lord, please guide me..

D by smart kid

the call made us fight even more. i was ranting in the car with the two boys. he went home 4:30 am and left for another drink with his high school classmates in the afternoon of sunday. whew, D has such a batchelor's lifestyle.

while i was eating, D came to me and said "nasaan si tatay?", i answered back, "umalis", and he said "ayoko, layas tatay ha!".

last night, he kept on pointing to his sleeping tatay and mumbled, "dito lang siya." and i heard that he told his yaya about our fights, he told the yaya, "away na naman tatay at nanay, di pa pala tapos."

oh my good, i think i have to process my kid's thinking, baka masira pa ang buhay nya sa akin.

alam ng buong bayan

if there's one thing that i can't help myself is telling my friends and D's relatives on the status of our fights and marriage. is this proper or i am just releasing my heartaches and problems? but that is my stress reliever. tell and talk because i don't get any solutions and commitments from him because paulit ulit lang. wala namang changes.

galit siya because his reputation and pagkatao are ruined. oh well, sarili lang ang inisip. hindi iniisip kung nasasaktan niya ang damdamin ko. wala na nga siyang binigay na respeto sa akin, ginagago na nga niya ako, sarili pa rin ang inisip

DAMN HIM.

CHAUVINIST PIG

Rhea

Rhea is one of my best friends even though i don't call her my best friend. we both know that we treat each other's the best. i had a great blast with her last night. we were merrily drinking, talking, conversing about our scorned life with our spouses, our kilig factors, our jewels and ourselves.

we were both drunk, i think i am increasing my consumables in my alcohol intake. it this a good sign? then, her spouse arrived and joined us. then, D texted and called me on my cellphone. nagdududa. asshole. ako pa?

D came, warak na rin. grabe Rhea kept ranting to D and told him my pains and his deficiencies. atta girl. ang lakas ng loob, lasing na kasi. asa ka pang may maalala yon. walang realizations sa buhay yong taong yon.

this morning, Rhea texted me...DARN HANGOVER!

me too!

magulo!

magulo na naman kami. may pagasa pa ba?
mananahimik na lang ba ako at tanggapin lahat?

nadedepress na naman ako.

ano????

the call

last night, D texted me that he had a meeting at San Lorenzo with his bosses. ok fine, again, the paranoia sets in. i felt a little lump in my throat. then at 11:29 pm. i received a phone call. no one's talking i only heard the voices of D and a girl. i listened for 4 minutes and hang up. their voices sounded happy and alive. then i heard the name Doris. oh yeah, she's the friend of C. i tried to cry, but no tears drop on my cheeks.

then i texted D. again he told me he was with a chick and in a bar at kamuning. minura ko siya ng maraming maraming beses sa text. mabuti at naka sulitext ako. ubos.
then i called them, i told him goodbye and maraming salamat. i heard some girls giggling .when he arrived at 2:30 am, denial again. liar.

i did not sleep the whole night. i called H and ate R in the morning to tell them that i caught D again. ate R was sympathetic, H had his friend forever attitude but he was accomodating.

again he was mad at me. cursing me to death, it was an honest mistake. ganoon na lang ba yon. pag naginvite ang common friend nila ni C go siya? he really loves her. he cant say no. ...wala na akong magagawa.

but it was the second time already, ganoon din nung una. i heard their voices. it was the first week of november. after professing his undying promise to be a good boy again.

i don't know how or who dialled my number in D's cellphone. pangalawa na ito.the same voices of D and C. God must have been very good to me. Thank you very much.

he had his chances but he ruined it. sorry... i am not an old schooled girl.

trust was totally damaged again, i have to move on....THERE'S REALLY NO HEALING!

catch up, nanay!

last saturday, P told me that he needs a gift for Ryan for their exchange gift. i told myself, too early for an exchange gift. so i let it pass or just the same, nakalimutan ko (he,he,he).

we were in the grocery last night. i told P to go to the toys section and pick a gift. 'there's nothing nice there, we should buy at sm.' i said, 'it's late, we will just buy at kuya jack.'

satisfied :-)

i called Ruth and she told me, it's a monito/monita gift. ah, okey. i'll just buy food.

before leaving this morning, i put some food in the plastic. he was shouting and cursing me again. 'dapat toy, bawal pagkain.' my goodness, he was persistent and all i can do is go to the store and thank goodness, bukas na si jack. lumabas na naman si ADHD sa katawan niya.

so immediately, while P was in the car. i gave him his gift for Ryan.

i was so stressed out in that instant situation. so, next time i myself, organize your stuff... kahit kailan talaga, ang gulo ko....

well that's me, i'm a right brain person.

party dog

D is such a party animal who wants to be surrounded by friends, relatives, girls name it. he loves booze and can't say hardly no when invited for a drink. sa amin lang naman siya tumatanggi.

when he's drunk, tables turn upside down. he becomes lively, humorous and the life of the party. but when he's normal...oh my, ask me.

we went to Montalban to celebrate his mom's bday. the kids love the place. provincial life in the city. D was drunk and a little sleepy when driving. i was screaming to death because i will definitely blame myself for endangering the lives of my kids in the hands of their father. eventually, we switch drivers.

he just arrived this morning. ni text walang paalam. may bangga ang kotse. he claimed that A was driving the car at nabangga.

when will he grow up? or when will i accept the fact that i married a geek?

i know.....KARMA he!he!he!