the end

D finally told his mother na hiwalay na kami. wala, kahit anong gawin ko or sabihin ko.... wala na... wala na talaga.

i'm sad and crying all the time. then, nagtext pa si C sa kanya.nasa shop at niyayaya siyang maginom. pag babae may justifications, pag ako wala. ang gulo ng utak ko. ako ang magulo, is it my fault? ako ba ang may pagkukulang???

he will leave first week of january, pag settled na siya.

bahala na.

Santa came

i asked the boys to hang their socks. they even put decorations on it because i told them, Santa will come tonight and give them their gifts. P wrote Santa a letter and placed them under the christmas tree.

i cooked our noche buena, ham and cheese. before 12, i woke them up and gave them their gifts. grabe, ang saya saya nila.

without the presence of their father

money matters

we were suppose to go to Riverbanks last sunday. then i asked D when he will pay his borrowed money of my brother that i keep. he was furios, wala daw siyang perang utang. he paid me daw. i don't have to explain the details of the money but i know, hindi pa niya ako binayaran doon. i was also reacting, he was mad. i can see it in his eyes. then, he gave me his dirty finger. "eto ka oh." he said that to me.

my God, my God. grabe...

hindi na daw kami tutuloy at hindi namin gagamitin ang sasakyan kahit kasama ko ang dalawang boys ko.

then he texted me... marami... then sabi niya mukha ka na talagang pera. then i asked his to leave. he's leaving pag may kasulatan.

24, P's birthday. i made the contract of agreement and we both signed it.

bday greetings!

i was chatting with my mama when she said, "happy birthday anak, masaya ka ba?" I almost fell on my chair and started getting emotional again. i replied "opo" but it brought back my dramatic and complicated life.

mothers have good instincts, i know, she can feel my pain and misery. as much as i want to be like her, i don't know. i just offer my life to my kids and be an independent woman.

atta girl!!!

girly drama

i told D, i hate being a girl. ang daming hang-ups, hormonal imbalance, sensitivities, expectations, etc. it's stressing me and at the same time, makes me more prone to depression.

but after talking to my dear friend V, i woke up and realized that i should stop this girly drama, move on and make myself happy. life is good. you just have to learn how to deal with it.

yan and Pinay and i'm getting there. this time, totoo na ito.

kid's christmas party

P and D's christmas parties are both on the same day. how can i divide my body with my boys to think that their father does not attend school activities? sigh. i know, no expectations because he's not like that ever since and he's a busy man.

i decided i will attend P's party because he needs an audience for his christmas play. it was entertaining and alluring watching christmas plays especially that P's school has special kids who participate, move around and cry on stage.

P was in front of the stage. i was mesmerized of his graceful dance steps. how he performs without inhibitions and how he efficiently and clearly delivered his lines. i was touched. i know, my son is an artist and even though P has ADHD, he has his strengths that i need to develop. sulit lahat ng gastos :-)

the thing that touched me most was when one special kid was given the chance to dance alone with her own steps, unmindful of her condition. the audience clapped on her achievements knowing that this chinese special girl acts on a robotic stance. it made me cry and i am still happy and bless that P is still far better off than the other special kids in his school.

pagkatao

last night, D went home from a drinking session. he has a pasalubong, two pieces of burgers from Jollibee.

while changing clothes, he told me, "sinira mo pagkatao ko, ngayon ko lang sinabi ito sa iyo."

me? excuse me, it was you who made something wrong, bad, illegal and immoral. now you are putting the blame on me because i told your relatives about our problem. if i didn't told them about it, baka hanggang ngayon, kayo pa rin ni C.

it was already late when i told them na may babae siya, june ko sya nahuli but i assume na earlier pa ang relationship nila and it continued until september. it was only then that i told them to get you out from the house.

ngayon, ako ang sisisihin nya. bullshit.

2 months

we are now counting the days, in two months time, my mom will be home on February 15. i miss my mom. she's my strength, my life, my inspiration and my idol.

nobody can replace her and in a way, i want to be like her.

i love you mama! see you soon.

ex

i went jogging last tuesday night. i saw ex in front of our house, buying his merienda. i haven't seen him passing by our house since last week. then, when i opened the gate, my head turned to the left as if looking for someone. when i turned on the other side, i saw him sitting on the bench staring at me. i was caught, then i saw D and told my son that i'll just jog. escape :-)

then, this morning, his friend greeted me a happy birthday. i asked him, "paano mo nalaman?", "sinabi ni B, nakita nga daw niya ikaw na nagjojogging nakakasura ano..."
sabi ko, "no, wag ganoon, masama yon."

should i blame myself for what happened to B? it was his decision, he knows his faults and mistakes. i got tired already. the only mistake that i did was when i fell in love with his friend. now, i'm sorry to say this, my spouse.

but still, he loves me more that what D is showing me and i can say that first love never dies... but i know, we will never be together.

i'm not like them.

bday plans

i'll be turning 37 on the 15th.

the dialogue went like this

D: malapit na bday mo? anong plano mo?

P: i'm giving you the freedom to plan for my bday. but definitely, we're going to have dinner with the kids.

D: ikaw, ano pa ang gusto mo?

P: just give me your loyalty, love and happiness.

D: noted :-)

give him the benefit of the doubt

i'm still paranoid.

i don't know what to do. i'm still confuse.

this time, a conversation with V gave me a head bang.

"ikaw na yata ang may problema? give him the benefit of the doubt. you are very blessed."

last night, i told D, that i am afraid of C. i don't know but she really makes her presence felt. I know, she still loves D. hindi pa pala siya nakakarecover.

actually, i can manage my emotions, it's my son D that i am afraid off.

oh life....

si D

grabe, galit na galit ako sa nangyari. there's a conspiracy between D and C. kinulit ni D si D na umattend ng bday niya, dahil nandoon si C. There's a possibility that si C and may idea noon, at si Doris, konsintidora. tapos itong isa, hindi makatanggi at gustong gusto naman makita si C.

oh life, tapos itong si D, bumabawi. inaya akong lumabas nung sunday night. it was nice and totally sweet, pero tingin ko, nung gabi lang na yon ako ganoon.

i'm still in crisis. gusto ko na siyang umalis sa bahay, pero ayaw umalis and my kids are looking for him. grabe... ang tindi talaga ng crisis ko.

Lord, please guide me..

D by smart kid

the call made us fight even more. i was ranting in the car with the two boys. he went home 4:30 am and left for another drink with his high school classmates in the afternoon of sunday. whew, D has such a batchelor's lifestyle.

while i was eating, D came to me and said "nasaan si tatay?", i answered back, "umalis", and he said "ayoko, layas tatay ha!".

last night, he kept on pointing to his sleeping tatay and mumbled, "dito lang siya." and i heard that he told his yaya about our fights, he told the yaya, "away na naman tatay at nanay, di pa pala tapos."

oh my good, i think i have to process my kid's thinking, baka masira pa ang buhay nya sa akin.

alam ng buong bayan

if there's one thing that i can't help myself is telling my friends and D's relatives on the status of our fights and marriage. is this proper or i am just releasing my heartaches and problems? but that is my stress reliever. tell and talk because i don't get any solutions and commitments from him because paulit ulit lang. wala namang changes.

galit siya because his reputation and pagkatao are ruined. oh well, sarili lang ang inisip. hindi iniisip kung nasasaktan niya ang damdamin ko. wala na nga siyang binigay na respeto sa akin, ginagago na nga niya ako, sarili pa rin ang inisip

DAMN HIM.

CHAUVINIST PIG

Rhea

Rhea is one of my best friends even though i don't call her my best friend. we both know that we treat each other's the best. i had a great blast with her last night. we were merrily drinking, talking, conversing about our scorned life with our spouses, our kilig factors, our jewels and ourselves.

we were both drunk, i think i am increasing my consumables in my alcohol intake. it this a good sign? then, her spouse arrived and joined us. then, D texted and called me on my cellphone. nagdududa. asshole. ako pa?

D came, warak na rin. grabe Rhea kept ranting to D and told him my pains and his deficiencies. atta girl. ang lakas ng loob, lasing na kasi. asa ka pang may maalala yon. walang realizations sa buhay yong taong yon.

this morning, Rhea texted me...DARN HANGOVER!

me too!

magulo!

magulo na naman kami. may pagasa pa ba?
mananahimik na lang ba ako at tanggapin lahat?

nadedepress na naman ako.

ano????

the call

last night, D texted me that he had a meeting at San Lorenzo with his bosses. ok fine, again, the paranoia sets in. i felt a little lump in my throat. then at 11:29 pm. i received a phone call. no one's talking i only heard the voices of D and a girl. i listened for 4 minutes and hang up. their voices sounded happy and alive. then i heard the name Doris. oh yeah, she's the friend of C. i tried to cry, but no tears drop on my cheeks.

then i texted D. again he told me he was with a chick and in a bar at kamuning. minura ko siya ng maraming maraming beses sa text. mabuti at naka sulitext ako. ubos.
then i called them, i told him goodbye and maraming salamat. i heard some girls giggling .when he arrived at 2:30 am, denial again. liar.

i did not sleep the whole night. i called H and ate R in the morning to tell them that i caught D again. ate R was sympathetic, H had his friend forever attitude but he was accomodating.

again he was mad at me. cursing me to death, it was an honest mistake. ganoon na lang ba yon. pag naginvite ang common friend nila ni C go siya? he really loves her. he cant say no. ...wala na akong magagawa.

but it was the second time already, ganoon din nung una. i heard their voices. it was the first week of november. after professing his undying promise to be a good boy again.

i don't know how or who dialled my number in D's cellphone. pangalawa na ito.the same voices of D and C. God must have been very good to me. Thank you very much.

he had his chances but he ruined it. sorry... i am not an old schooled girl.

trust was totally damaged again, i have to move on....THERE'S REALLY NO HEALING!

catch up, nanay!

last saturday, P told me that he needs a gift for Ryan for their exchange gift. i told myself, too early for an exchange gift. so i let it pass or just the same, nakalimutan ko (he,he,he).

we were in the grocery last night. i told P to go to the toys section and pick a gift. 'there's nothing nice there, we should buy at sm.' i said, 'it's late, we will just buy at kuya jack.'

satisfied :-)

i called Ruth and she told me, it's a monito/monita gift. ah, okey. i'll just buy food.

before leaving this morning, i put some food in the plastic. he was shouting and cursing me again. 'dapat toy, bawal pagkain.' my goodness, he was persistent and all i can do is go to the store and thank goodness, bukas na si jack. lumabas na naman si ADHD sa katawan niya.

so immediately, while P was in the car. i gave him his gift for Ryan.

i was so stressed out in that instant situation. so, next time i myself, organize your stuff... kahit kailan talaga, ang gulo ko....

well that's me, i'm a right brain person.

party dog

D is such a party animal who wants to be surrounded by friends, relatives, girls name it. he loves booze and can't say hardly no when invited for a drink. sa amin lang naman siya tumatanggi.

when he's drunk, tables turn upside down. he becomes lively, humorous and the life of the party. but when he's normal...oh my, ask me.

we went to Montalban to celebrate his mom's bday. the kids love the place. provincial life in the city. D was drunk and a little sleepy when driving. i was screaming to death because i will definitely blame myself for endangering the lives of my kids in the hands of their father. eventually, we switch drivers.

he just arrived this morning. ni text walang paalam. may bangga ang kotse. he claimed that A was driving the car at nabangga.

when will he grow up? or when will i accept the fact that i married a geek?

i know.....KARMA he!he!he!

another miriam santiago

B is my friend. she's a mongrel. she doesn't have true friends in the office. i am one of her close friends but i don't consider her as one of my best friends.

we are working as a committee for the offices' xmas party. she's such a bratty who wants all her ideas to be shinning and wants direct implementation. but some of her ideas are cheap and not feasible.

i'm her contra. but my principle is, if it's not proper and not the committee decision, why push?

now i know her better because she talks back to people and now, i am one of her victims. poor girl, i know, i am more credible than her.

abnormal ba ako nanay?

i received this question from P while lying in bed.

P: "nanay, abnormal ba ako?"

N: "hindi anak, sinong may sabi?"

P: "classmates ko"

N: "ang abnormal, hindi nakapagisip ng maayos, hindi marunong magmultiply, hindi nakakakain ng maayos"

P: "ay, salamat"

N: "meron ka lang chemical imbalance sa brain mo kaya ka hyper at madaling magalit."


P is always branded abnormal to those kids that he cannot relate. it pains me to hear that. he's always been stereotype. what can i do, these are kids and they see a different pattern in my son.

i know, adults also do that to my son...

memory lost

D was with me the whole day because yaya beg for day off because she needs to fix some papers. ok fine...

i really cannot handle D when he's outside the confines of our house and community. grabe... super kulit and hyper.

i requested for an early release at the office and we went to jollibee as per his request. i told him we are not going to buy toys because wala ng pera. he obliged. thank goodness and then requested for a sundae.

we went home while D was still holding his sundae. rode the jeep. at 7:00 pm. i was looking for his bag. in his bags are two shirts, one short, 3 ferrari cars and the shoes the my mom gave him.

i cannot find it. D was already crying. i called the store. nobody surrended the bag.

sigh..... my memory is worsening.

this morning, P was looking for D's ferrari cars. instead of crying, i have D his hotwheels truck that i was suppose to give as his christmas present.

oh well....

Shabarro

after P's overwhelming improvements in academics and behavior. i decided to give him a treat.

we went to SM for a little pasyal, arcade and christmas wish lists. then, i let P pick his choice of restaurant for our meal. he chose Shabarro to try Ilalian dishes.

D does not want to eat there. he opted for a McDo meal. after eating his piece, we went to Shabarro.

my goodness, D also ordered a pizza. You know naman kung how big the pizzas' at Shabarro.

P is taking our food trips seriously.

D's ptc

D's teacher texted me for a reschedule of D's PTC.

i came and the teacher told me how my son is at home. D has a dual personality when at home and in school. he's really a maloko and a manipulative one.

he needs follow-up and he has difficulty communicating with classmates because he is bulol.

i think that D is in a good school.

xmas tree

D asked for a xmas tree last week. i told him,"no money." he responded, "sige, ilaw na lang?" still haggling for his piece (atta boy, just like nanay).

i went to Manila for my thesis requirements, there was still time, i decided to go to Divisoria. my goodness, it was overwhelming. there's a lot of stuff, but i have to be careful... some are not quality nice.

i bought a xmas tree for a cheap price. it's small but ok na. i included xmas lights.

when i arrived, my boys were to so happy. they helped me set-up the tree and D kissed me twice.

the next morning, when he woke up. he greeted me "merry christma" with a bulol twang :-)

as usual, the tatay was angry with my purchases :-)

oh, i love to be a mother.

P's ptc

i went to the PTC of P. i was praying that i got my money's worth for P's tutor last quarter. yahoo, it kicked off. P improved his behaviors, academics and socialization skills. i was overwhelmed and sentimental with his improvements.

i told myself, P will definitely stay in this school....

for his accomplishment, the three of us bonded at SM.

date...

i invited him to a dinner last night. we haven't gone out for ages.

we went of shabu shabu at the block.
gosh, ang sarap. grabe. it's so nice to have time and space for us. walang kasamang bata, walang inaalagaan at hinahabol.

then, we went to the bar and had our drinks.

it was nice, we were able to talk and how to patch our differences.

so, how do i look at it?

idealistic???

is it bad to expect?

i have been judging him on his actions.

"masyado kang idealistic! fair akong tao."

in his own words and financial obligations, your right.
but actions...what the heck.
you married a man of few words and actions.
he has no point of realization and in every situation, there is justifications.

or, i am really just being a demanding and idealistic wife to him? making him realize that he is lucky to have me ?

i don't know. may pagasa pa ba? mahal ko pa ba sya? do i still trust him? or is this one of the emotional angsts?

WTF!!!

his ADHD

i told P if he still wants to study at ICY next schoolyear.
he wants to go back to St.Mary's to see his crush.

i told him, you cannot because, you have ADHD and you can only study in
a small school.

cries, cries, cries "sigh"

my heart was also breeding.

boy's toys

P told me his interest on the Ferrari cars that he saw in the commercial. i told tatay D to grab two cars when he fills in his tank at the Shell station.

surprisingly, he bought one car yesterday. i told him not to show it to the boys because fights and rambles will definitely occur. before their tatay arrives, i already told P that he will get his car on friday and it will be only D who has a car.

opo nanay, was the reply.

when their tatay arrived, they were rushing to him. D immediately grabbed the car. P just stared. then, i told D, can i look?

no, pang boys to. hindi ito pang girl.

next time, i'm wishing for a girl. at 38? pwede pa????

balikbayan box

we got our box last oct.31

it was full of goodies and other stuff
D, got a car's shoes
P, swiss miss, cereals
L, got a lot of stuff (pink raincoat, barbie dolls, clothes, etc)
K, same as P

me, i was expecting for my havianias, mama told me, the other two orders did not come. baka magtampo si ate P, pag ako lang ang meron.

oh my, i have to wait for three more months.....

see the happiness and generosity of my parents. i thank God, i have them, especially my mom.

StATus QuO

after a month....

get to hold his cellphone frequently and check on his log
less hang out with his friends, stays more in the house
goes home early
no more frequent texting... that's the impact of UNLI

but still the same person...as i've known for 10 years since we got married.

he's not just that into you by Greg Behrendt. i have to grab a copy of that book to understand my guy better.

i think, it will all depend on me! :-(

bReaD TaLk

after buying P's halloween custome and basket, i told him "we won't eat anymore, tatay is waiting for us." we passed by bread talk and i noticed that the line was short. i was curious with that bakery because every time we walked by that area, the line is always long.

so i decided so try some stuff to bring home as pasalubong. i look at what other people are buying to give me an idea of their specialty. i bought three pieces of yummy mouth watering breads and the bill was P126. what??? my goodness, that's too much for a three-piece bread.

i gave P's share and had a bite. ummm, sarap. the jeepney ride at SM North is located at the farthest part of the store. we didn't notice the long walk, we were busy munching on our bread, having a taste of the three different pieces and kept saying, "sarap ano anak?"

before hitting the jeep, i throw the wrappers in the trashcan.
kainis, bitin!!! :-)

i'll splurge on bread talk again when i have the money and try the other flavors.

have you tried it?

hiwalay!

after paying for P's tuition fee. i finally decided to get P a tutor who will teach him passionately knowing his difficulties.

when i teach P for the quarterly exams, he cries a lot, rants and experiences a lot of pains ranging from stomach to headache. it's stressful and it makes me a monster.

T.Claire is the shadow teacher of P's autistic classmate. so she knows P. she charges minimally which is beyond my means (thanks T.Ruth). she rendered 11 hours. that's P1650. goodbye shoes, goodbye blouses!!!!

one saturday, D went home early. T.Claire was surprised. with gestures of her two left and right 2nd fingers drifting apart and asked my yaya, "akala ko hiwalay na sila?"

P told our problems to his classmates, about the girl, the pinalayas and the beerhouse. one classmate even commented, "ano P, madalas sa beerhouse and tatay mo?" P's school allows shadow teachers to look after his special classmates, so adults heard the discussions. LoL

ha!ha!ha! next time, don't allow your children to hear your conversation and don't even involve them.

hormonal imbalance

i feel so lonely and insecure again...
i have to blame my imbalance due to my monthly cycle :-) urgh

fight back girl.
you're still beautiful inside not like those
girls who don't know how to control their
emotions.

i thank God for my boys and i am still dreaming for a girl.

virus strain

D brought the virus strain in the house. i was the next victim,
P then D. gosh, i was on leave for four days.

went shopping to death. such a irresponsible action even though
i know... there's not enough budget available.
what can i do? i also need to pamper myself.

i will earn it back. can't resist the sale. i gave me a full relaxation :-)

for me:

a white bag from our tribe
a maximizer bra
blouses from kamiseta
3 shorts

:)

attacks

i have attacks. i think its leading to depression.
insecurities...

i have to stop this.
i really should.

for my boys.

GO AWAY!!!!!

a question to/from D

Nanay: D, paalisin ko na si tatay sa bahay?

D: Di ka na iiyak?

(he did not even answer Yes or No)

a shot of tequila with HD

HD was one of D's friend that i detested. why? he used to get D's quality time from us.
lately, it's not his friends that i should blame. it should be D.
no more explanations :-)

D invited HD to our house to watch the Barrera-Pacquiao's match. HD bought with him a half filled tequila bottle. my last shot of tequila was in 1997 at Cebu. it was after 10 years that i will taste it again. ummm

D was worried if he did the right thing; that HD and i should have a drink. it might spark wildfires again. D issued a warning to HD on answering the questions that i will ask and get his consent if he will respond or not.

i did not ask questions. i just told him my own accounts of the situation. details will hurt me again. he knows D from a different perspective, i know him from the bottom of his internal organs.

the talk with the tequila was a relief and at the same time a coping process for me. one thing i learned was how to understand D for his undying personality.
i also knew something about the girl "sigh" and how adamant D in defending C to me (still making their actions politically correct). my goodness!!!

HD is nice, i think i gain another friend in him/her?????? :-)

being the right person

it's hard to be a good person. no matter how i try.
i'm still a maldita at heart but because of the situation
...i try to look back and assess my
life as a person.

nothing can beat your values where ever you go.
i was raised well.
i'm not perfect... but tries to be one and never
step on anyone's foot.

just be good.

mama mia

mia, a friend emailed some pictures.

an overseas friend who is the best friend of over
possessive M :-)

she's sweet and she never fails to email me once in a while.
i think i should do the same.

STOP

STOP!

don't try hard
compete only with myself
believe and trust again

if it falls, there's nothing you can do.

pray!

stress reliever

this blogging cum journal has been my constant companion. why?

helps me cope
releases negative energy
expresses my emotions
keeps my anger away
documents history but no original records kept "sigh"

alright.. it's my best friend!

moving on

i am not a self serving woman. i also have my kids. i also need to consider their feelings and the right to grow up with a father even if he sucks.

in fairness to D, he is slowly changing.

but the big questions now lies in my hands. it is my option to change my outlook and accept my faith and be a more loving spouse to D. "sigh"

acceptance.faith.trust.love.GOD
i am praying for guidance.

D

we were lying on the bed. D's head on my belly. holding his bottle.

D: Nanay tagal naman ng baby mo!

Nanay: Guffaws.....

myself

i hate it. i just realized how much i need D. need... but not love? maybe yes, maybe no.

i hate myself for saying the same things again and again.
how insecure i am with C.
i am not looking at my strengths anymore.
demoralized.
you just have to accept the fact that he is your spouse.

stop it!

i know, i am beautiful inside, no matter what they say and what they do.
i am a strong woman with a big heart.
i love myself.

end?

i received a text from A, D's friend last friday. he told me, i should see C. i have a class and i was at first eager to talk and see her. But then, i backed out. i prayed for a sign and think about the whole situation. i informed D about the text and he vehemently said no.

i followed his advise.

C was asking for a closure but her companions were adamant. they want me there. i was confused already, hindi ko na alam kung sino na ka text ko.

then, i received the forwarded wonderful text messages of D to C. it killed my consciousness again. it was my first time to read his text messages to C.

we talked, he told me bits and pieces. D falls in love with the girl. His greatest fear is na baka malaman kong minahal niya si C. D was asking for forgiveness with full sincerity. did i feel it? yes, but i am still confuse.

i am not asking for details anymore to lessen the pain. what you don't know won't hurt you. i believe him, but the pain and the betrayal are still in my system. at least, this time, we were not violent, we were talking like professional adults. he even congratulated me for being strong.

then they were cursing us in texts... i pity her, pinaasa kasi. C really loves D that much. i know, i can feel.

D texted his sister and asked for forgiveness. this action was my landmark on the end with his communication to C. i was touched but...

C texted again, asking for forgiveness on what happened last night and closing her ties with D. hopefully...

am i happy? a little but...

apologies

just had a two hour sleep last night. at 2:00 am, i touched him and told him when he is leaving. he will only leave if i will give him an assurance na hindi ko gagawin yung mga pananakot ko sa kanya. i told him, give me 15K, malaki, di niya kaya... only 8K.

ano ka, swerte? kulang yon.

then he hugged me and said, patawarin mo na ako, hindi ko na uulitin. pag inulit ko pa, ako na ang lalayas. hinding hindi na kita sasaktan.

i texted him and he said, he won't do it anymore. i forwarded his text to C and told her, sana tigilan na rin niya. she texted back...
asahan mo :-)

i don't know if i can trust the person twice.

God, please help me!

humility and acceptance

"nasaan na ang SIM ko, ang daming kumokontak sa akin, hindi ako makontak. tumatawag na si ed calma sa opisina. hindi daw ako makontak. sira ulo ka talaga! isang tao lang ang kaaway mo. dinadamay mo lahat!"

is this the guy that i love, married and the father of my boys?

this morning, i said my apologies and told him i am giving back his SIM. he can get it at the guard . i inserted a letter with the following contents:

D,

I am very sorry for all the pains and inconveniences I caused you.
I am really sorry!

“By accepting, I have learned to forgive, by forgiving, I found happiness.”(Beyond Normal)

Please, please, give me my freedom. I also deserve to be happy and a fair treatment that is build in trust.

PLEASE, GIVE ME MY FREEDOM!

again and again and again....

relationships are build on trust. this sunday was the worst fight ever. after slapping his phone on his face. he kicked me again, many times that scared me to death.

i cried the whole night, even calling my mama... i always call her when i'm in grieve pain....

they were textmates forever and even caught them having a lunch date... i don't know if it was extended lunchdate... at landmark on sept 17 when i inserted his sim card in my phone. now, i got his sim and he got my phone.

yesterday.... oh poor girl. we were textmates, i cursed her to death but to no avail... looks like her head is like a rock. wala na daw sila...but why keep communicating... love... yeah, i know the feeling...

after all the lies, sino pang maniniwala.

the thing is, he doesn't leave the house...pinapalayas na ayaw pa ring umalis.

oh well.... life will be better tomorrow!

chat....

last sunday, i chatted with my sister mona and my mom. wala lang, kuwento dito kuwento doon. ang tagal na rin kasi naming hindi nagchachat.

tapos biglang online pala si gladys. oh, i miss that girl. nilibre niya ako sa Universal Studios dati.

reading....

i'm back to reading. i stop because of my keratoconus (a congenial eye defect that will lead to blindness and a corneal transplant).

it's a good stress reliever at the same time.

the last book that i read was Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelcho. more to come.

......????

we finally get to talk. i was pushing him away, ito namang isa, pinagsisiksikan sarili niya sa bahay. the same thing, sumbatan, sisihan, etc.etc.... wala namang compromise.

the thing i observed was how the effect of this problem to my kids. D asked for his tatay. P was sad and irritated. my kids are very happy to see their tatay at home.

oh well, forget yourself. love the kids and later tomorrow life will be better.

kid's talk

P: Nanay, bakit kayo lagi nagaaway ni Tatay?

Nanay: Kasi, hindi kami magkasundo. Minsan ganoon talaga.

____________

P: Nanay, mahal mo pa si Tatay?

Nanay: Para sa inyo ni Darell, anak.

____________

P: Nanay ano ang rape?

Nanay: Forced contact with a girl.
____________

P: Nanay bakit namamatay ang tao?

Nanay: Kasi hindi sila kumakain ng gulay, pwede rin nagkasakit at naaksidente.

P: No response.
___________

Nanay: Hindi na dito titira si tatay ha! Lagi kasi kaming nagaaway.

D: Hindi, dito titira tatay. Love kayo, bati kayo tatay ko!

__________________

the nerve!

you really don't know to determine fake people. i met one this week, i thought she's an angel. i was a victim of wrong interpretation. it was my mistake, i was so open kasi. vulnerable.

to hell with them.

oh yeah, lumpen, utak squatter and utak ipis.

the whore!

didn’t you get it!

D was ranting and raving about how the issue became a big deal on him. how it was blown out of proportion. i was the aggrieve party and he’s the bad guy. i am now the friend of his friends and he will just stick with his relatives.

he's life is now ruined because of me. pwede na siyang magpakasira.

why think like that? i think it should be the other way around. synthesize, be broad minded on how to solve the problem. compromise on how can i treat my wife better and how to be a good father to my kids. lalo lang niyang ilululong ang sarili niya.

i was again and again expressing my need of affectionate attention from him....nada...deadma...asa ka pa!

ano ka ba? didn't you get it, lost love!!!
gosh, ang tagal ko bago na gets. bakit ngayon ko lang naisip?

life will be better tomorrow!!!!

D's friends

i called for an inuman with D's friends. M,B,A and H were there but H hurriedly left. i do not want to go home early because D was in the house. i went to mass and directly went to the shop. but there's a rule. no talking about the issue, D and C.
i came there for the company, relax and have a good night sleep with the help of alcohol.

i was the bangka and the butt of jokes but, sometimes we talk about the issue but we quickly change the topic. for my sake.

it was fun and i was drunk, i like mitch, she's great but i wont be a homebody like her. i slapped on A when he tries to dominate the conversation :-)

texting with the enemy

i texted C's father and told him the tryst of his daughter and my husband. then for the second time, she replied. gosh, i gave her blows and at the same time how she should act as a woman. got a dose of her own medicine.

an explanation

how do you explain the situation to a 9 and 4 year old kids? :-9

it's like talking to an adult but with a detailed explanation. i can see their reactions, P cried and D was adamant. want my tatay here! D shouted. but they have words to share when their yaya arrived. di na dito uuwi tatay ko!

the next morning, we were all in our own little state of minds. you can see the loneliness in our eyes and in our moods. but i know, my boys are receptive and they have their own ways of survival. being a super mom like me is one of them.

my boys, my life....

Mama Mary

last saturday, i went to mass. alone and in a prayerful mode. guilty, i only go to church when i'm in need of divine intervention. i told God to guide me in my decisions. kung sila pa rin, give me a sign.
it was Mama Mary's bday. she gave me her present.
i caught them again...

prayers make wonders.

still the same panloloko

we went home safely... si tatay warak na naman sa kalasingan.
i heard a message tone in his cellphone. hindi niya binabasa. then, his visitor left and went to the bedroom at hinarot si D. message tone again. i quickly grabbed his cellphone and went to the bathroom. sila ulit... nagtetext na naman sila ng sweet nothings at magkita daw sila. then, i dumped his cellphone in the pail of water.

that's the start of something physical and violent again. i hit him, he kicked me. that's infront of D. i can feel the trauma and pain in the face of my son. i told him to leave, ihahatid ko sya sa kabila. ayaw, sabi, sunduin siya ng nanay niya saka sya aalis. i went to his relatives and called ate G and explained what happened. with full force, sinundo siya sa bahay kasama si kuya N. then, he threw the bag to me and before leaving, minura ako. minura ko rin. at least nakita ng mga kamaganak niya ang asal nya. then i heard kuya N said, hindi tayo pinalaking ganyan........

then, i packed his clothes and asked ate G to get them.

after cleaning the house, everything sinked in to me. now, i can feel the pain, the hurt and the continous betrayal but i have to move on for my boys.

D was just behind me during the incident, he gave me his tatay's cellphone battery and phone cover. i left him in P's room but he quickly ran when he heard the car leaving. when his tatay was gone, he pressed a hersheys' stuff toy, it emitted a sound. he did it to get my attention and pacify me. Sweet D!

P, he kept asking, bakit nanay? and then cries, cries,cries, buckets of tears.

hindi naman akong perpektong asawa. alam ko yon. ako ay demanding, domineering, violente. ako ang nagsimulang mambubog, battered husband kung baga. pero dahil sa mga ginagawang pangloloko niya ito, barkada,alak at babae. hindi naman ako magiging ganoon kung hindi dahil sa kanya. bawat maling gawa, may justifications.

ang sama lang ng loob ko, hindi naman siya sweet sa akin. nagagawa pa niyang maging sweet sa syota niya at magtawagan silang "baby ko!" samantalang pag nasa bahay, ang sungit, parang wala na kaming ginawang maganda.

pero kahit puno ng evidences, kahit anong diin, hindi umaamin. the girl really knows how to make her presence felt. pro??!! i don't know.

the struggle begins....

Star City

D recieved an invite from a classmate who will celebrate his bday at Star City. rich kid. i was reluctant to go, dahil walang pera. pero naiisip ko, kakaibang experience for my kids and para masabi ni P na he's been to star city....

go kami, dahil nagiinom si tatay, at ako nagdrive. it's sheer determination and love for the kids kaya ko nagawang magdrive ulit ng malayo.

it was fun.....yung dalawang pasahero ko sa likod, gising at si P, backseat driver na rin.

other woman

after denying his mistress.i finally found the answer to my question. my intuition is right. sya nga, wala ng iba. nakita ko ang picture ni C sa wallet ni D. i hit him twice sa face. what an unruly man, sinipa ako sa dibdib. nanikip ang dibdib ko.sobra na daw ako. wala na sila nananahimik na daw sya eto na nanaman ako. hindi na daw siya uuwi. i was crying, then P asked, nanay, bakit kayo nagaaway ni tatay? my heart was crushed.

akala ko di na siya uuwi. umuwi rin. para hindi magwala, binuksan ko ang pinto. kanina, i asked him to leave the house. totally, bahala na si batman. sige daw, nananahimik na daw sya. he told me to take a dose of my own medicine.

pero alam mo, okey lang ako..... bahala na sa finances...

my eldest baby with adhd

my son, P is now 9. he was diagnosed with adhd last june. pero alam ko, may problema ang anak ko. denial stage kung baga. emotionally,financially and physically draining. paano ba any may adhd?

tayo ng tayo
di makatagal sa pagupo
may emotional outbursts (nagwawala)
has problems with socialization (can't stand bullies)
hates waiting
wails a lot

ang gastos! theraphy, doctor, testing, etc.etc.
pero kahit ganoon, syempre, sino ba namang ina ang makakatiis sa anak. dati manageable pa ang behavior ni P, pero nung lumaki yung kapatid niyang si D na 4 yrs old. at nagstart na siyang ibully, grabe, ang hirap na niyang ihandle.

tinkerbells

now, the next thing to do is to learn the basics and operations of the blog. nagsisisi na yata ako....

at last

i have been reading blogs since last year and envy those who have beautiful blogs and the way they write. so, now i decided to create my own blog. why? to remove all the stress and stuff in my mind to make me normal.